This Kind Of Moment... (My Life Story) All Critiques Asked To Comment

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Critical Analysis #2

This Kind Of Moment... (My Life Story) All Critiques Asked To Comment

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

0 posted 2007-01-08 01:34 AM

This Kind Of Momment

My life’s been hard, depressing and sad
But so many times before now I have wanted to hold your hand
I’m a mum at 16 and still living at home
I’m scared and afraid and all alone.

I met you when I never thought I would
You changed my life and made everything good
I couldn’t stand for you to leave me you were to good to let go
I wanted you to be with me for all of eternity but fate told me it wasn’t so

My parents pushed me to be a slice of perfection
I was supposed to be a dancer who didn’t want affection
I didn’t want to dance but they just didn’t understand
They’d given me all the opportunities in the world and I wanted to be in a band!

It was just another party, some more drugs and booze
To me this was normal, a bit of fun; after all I had nothing to lose

“Oh come on Jess, Its just a party come with us, don’t make us plea
It was a boring night and a few friends begged me
I should of listened to the guy I loved, we fought for hours until he left
But now almost a year and a half later I know he knew best

I was drunk and it was late
My friends had gone and for u I’d wait
You were on your way to come and get me
As I sat on the beach watching the sea

A friend I knew from ages ago
Stopped to talk and cuddled me so
I pushed him off me but he wouldn’t accept
He was off his face on weed and on me he leapt

I was scared as he ripped at my clothes, I was screaming for help but nobody came
His skin against mine, his lips on my body I tried to fight back but all I felt was shame
It was raining and headlights slowly appeared
You arose from your car and ran to be near
You pulled him off me but it was too late
After all you couldn’t help me I had been raped

You punched him but he pulled out a gun
He shot you twice and screamed “It’s Over I’ve won”
Blood poured from your chest, you were in trouble
I rang for an ambulance and told them to be here on the double.

I cried as you gave life away
The man I loved was dead; there was nothing anyone could say
The doctors said I would be ok, I was on the pill and a condom was used
They didn’t really care about the fact that I had been sexually abused

5 months later I found out I was pregnant and that I couldn’t terminate the baby
When I was asked about adoption I replied maybe
4 months later baby Ella arrived
She had been a twin but the other didn’t survive

Now I am stronger than ever before
Ella’s doing well and rolls on the floor
I love her so much I wouldn’t change a thing
As I rock her every night to sleep, a lullaby I sing

My mistake has cost us all, a family a son, my parents their little girl
So many of us take what we have for granted but everyone must learn to walk before you twirl
I miss you so much baby, and I know u are watching over me
I will love you forever and I know you can see

Sunshine, hail rainbows or rain,
This kinda moment is only a moment and it wont be too long til I’m with you again

[This message has been edited by Brad (01-08-2007 05:43 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-08 05:51 PM

I changed the title, corrected what I thought was a typo.

This poem is a tricky thing. Are you writing as a character, a character related to your own life, or as you?

If it's you, it's a little tricky. We're here to talk about poetry, not about others' lives. I guess we could work on structure, but I suspect that would be even too close for many and I suspect a lot of hesitancy.

On the other hand, if it's a character, then we can talk about the poem as a poem.

The distinction is important.

We need to know. If it's the former, you might consider moving it to a different forum. Not that you won't get calls of support here, it's just that that's not what we're trying to do here.

I personally think you'll get a lot of confusing comments unless that distinction is made extremely clear.

Thanks.

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