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SaNtO
New Member

since 2006-04-26

Posts 3
U.S

0 posted 2006-05-13 04:09 PM

Tainted rose

A tainted rose red a blood
Captivating as a diamond reflected by light
Green as and emerald simply enchanting
As tainted as thee be, her beauty surpasses any.
She has my attention day and night
Eyes are sore without the rose in sight
So tainted this rose cant be touched
I lose who I am wanting her so much.
Oh tainted rose thou shall give me a chance?
She takes all hope by giving me just one glance

DavidTheLion
Junior Member

since 2006-04-06

Posts 36

1 posted 2006-05-18 01:09 PM

This is one toxic rose...! Does this rose have any thorns, or havent you gotten close enough to touch it...or smell it....?

Only one glance is all you might need.

I like the metaphor, its simple and pretty straight forward. What I got from it was like the subject of obsession of someone's beauty, and fixating on only that, and somehow losing yourself in the fantasy...losing your insanity even. Wanting someone's love by just a glance, I dont know...my interpretation anyways. I like the cadence too, its all wrapped up neatly.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

2 posted 2006-05-18 08:11 PM

Hi:

I like this. the rhyme does seem forced in places but it reads well. However I dont like (I lose who I am wanting her so much.) this line much. Do think it is nessasary?

Thanks
Rick

Sasasha
New Member

since 2006-06-02

Posts 5
Sheffield, England

3 posted 2006-06-02 01:16 PM

I like this alot; but wonder why you use archaic language ('thee, thou') at the same time as 'cant'... not that there's anything particularly wrong with it but it just strikes as a bit out of place. Also, I think in the fourth line that should be 'thou art' (or maybe 'thee be' if you want to use some really archaic subjunctive...) Some lines seem to have metre and rhyme, some don't. Again, there's nothing too bad about this but it makes it feel a little incomplete.

(EDIT: Sorry, I just copied it so I could look at it on the page, I didn't even realise I hadn't deleted it.)

But aside from this, I like your metaphor and your imagery is lovely.

[This message has been edited by Sasasha (06-02-2006 04:33 PM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2006-06-02 02:18 PM

There is no purpose served in copying a poem exactly in the same thread other than to waste expensive resources and possibly confuse others in what the reason might have been. If we need to read it again, we can simply scroll back to the top and do so.

Thanks for understanding.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

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