»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Please critique these translations - it is OK to be harsh
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Please critique these translations - it is OK to be harsh |
|
|
Les Gartner Junior Member
since 2006-04-10
Posts 37MD |
I have submitted three translations to the Open Poetry Forum; however I was hoping to get a more critical analysis of these translations, so I am posting them here, hoping for - not necessarily a beating, but a critique. Thank you in advance, Les This is one of the most famous poems of a great Hungarian poet, Endre Ady (1877-1919). The Elijah Chariot The Lord takes Elijah-like, all those Whom he greatly condemns or adores. He gives them nimble, blazing hearts: These are the fiery chariots. The Elijah-people speed heavenward And stop where winter always presides. On the Himalayas' frozen peaks Their chariots pulverize crystals of ice. Between heaven and earth, melancholy, Homeless, the winds of fate drive them on. Towards wicked, ice cold, snow wonders Their chariots rush heedlessly on. Their hearts are molten; their brains, icicles; And while their fate earth scornfully mocks, Dolefully the sun slowly sprinkles Their path with frozen diamond dust. —Endre Ady —translated by Leslie P. Gartner Two translations of Rainer Maria Rilke's poems, Spanish Dancer and The Panther: Spanish Dancer As in the hand, a sulfur match glows white before it bursts in flames, and then it darts its flickering tongue over every side—: so in the circle of close observers, bright quick,and hot,her round dance spreads itself in darts. And suddenly it is completely flame. With a single glance she sets ablaze her hair and all at once with dauntless art she whirls her whole dress into those impassioned swirls, from which, like startled rattlesnakes, her naked arms awake clicking, and unfurl. And then: as if the fire grew too close, she gathers it up and disdainfully throws it away with an imperious grace and looks: there it lies, it rages in that place and still ablaze and unwilling to yield—. But triumphant, certain, and with a sweet exultant smile she lifts her face afield and stamps it out with forceful tiny feet. —Rainer Maria Rilke —translated by Leslie P. Gartner The Panther His gaze has been so worn by the procession of bars, that there is nothing it can hold. A thousand bars comprise his sole impression, a thousand bars, and the world beyond’s a void. The supple gait that yields the forceful strides which draws him into ever smaller circles and like a dance of power about the center glides in which a mighty will stands, impotent. Only sometimes do the pupils' curtains draw silently apart —. An image then gains entry and, passing along the limbs' certain stillness, stops in the heart and ceases to be. —Rainer Maria Rilke —translated by Leslie P. Gartner |
||
| © Copyright 2006 Les Gartner - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Quite beutyful not knowing Hungarian I may be wrong but HOMELESS is not a word I would use here homeless, the winds of fate drive them on. Towards wicked, ice cold, snow ? again sprinkles realy what you want. maybe Flots or places. Is this what you were hoping for? I only read one gots to go and watch Idoil Rick |
||
|
DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
I dont want to sound rude but you should really spell check before posting... |
||
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
So sorry about me spelling it has always been a problum for me. Funny thing a poet that strugles for the letters that make the wrods that that paint the pictures in his hear? Rick |
||
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Head Ear Sorry again. I must remember to proff read. Spanish dancer. Vary nice. I wondered about the word (darts) in the first stanza, yet it read well with (dauntless art) in the second. Thanks Rick |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
