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Critical Analysis #2
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My first Submission
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My first Submission |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Mincing the Matter (An Oath to No One) Falling from the sky Is weird Sometimes. I’ve been known to declare but only once in my life To things that weren’t even there To thoughts, to memories Of empty-handed stares That I was a Poet And that I was broken meat somehow I’ve been known to declare but only once in my life To dissipating passions And to the garden of Love itself That I was an Artist Lost and shuffling and suffering amongst the willows weeping Feasting on rhetoric while the wolves were sleeping Tickled by the budding blades of grass between the toes of my bare feet Just peep in the back over there behind heaven’s curtain To see what they’ve been keeping… They’ve reserved just one empty seat But it’s not for broken meat. Not for broken meat. Anyways. My candle Outshines the sun Listen. Walking severs the run and Listen… I could have spoken…and… Listen. But I could have been chosen to… Listen… But I prefer sifting through Listen! If only I would have Listened. To me Only those who are without meaning Have any real meaning at all. Is it listless and absorbed in shells laced with deaf ears? Like a sleeveless chore and… Kind of like the seashore…? Kind of like those impotent pleasure-bores? Unopened mail! A Prophetic tendency? A blushing wind!! A big thick brainsick lobotomy!!! Exactly… It’s a little something like that actually. Anyways. Rivers Run wild in my dreams Like words. Like paint. Picture loaves of raging gingerbread-men eating a naked saint. Like little squiggles and etchings of flowers soaking up white elephants milk Buckets of white-blooded buttercups and bumblebee silk I’m like Penitence Uprooted Like those bottom-pocket dollars that sneak in A few extra hours of jingle-dee-bling Loitering in the halls and coughing up coins And dropping a few rhymes Sing, sing, sing Quickly snapping those butterfly wings over my lap! One. By. One. I’ve cracked every single one… With me concealed in the shadows and smirking with lunacy Methinks the midnight crows smoking cigars have been keeping count Anyways. It’s all about Sacrifice. I’m nothing but a sacrifice It’s all that I was ever meant to be… A Sacrifice, really And it’s all I might ever be! Really. A random sacrifice of my mind Every single day and sometimes even Every single night. Exchanging the cries of this deep, deep heart of mine For that burn of purity and longing for life I’ve been known to keep a good secret once in a while Like my existence But shhh… Don’t kiss and tell Words aren’t words when we are here In this draggletail space they once called my soul In this space where I’ll try to recreate Who I am From somewhere way over There to all the way over Here These words become “me” somehow… I am what I am Inside of here somehow… I am what I am. Falling from the sky is weird sometimes. |
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| © Copyright 2006 DavidTheLion - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
This is my first real stab at poetry, any help would be appreciated! Id love any constructive criticism! |
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Spot Junior Member
since 2006-03-04
Posts 45CA, US |
first attepmt? seriously? I'm not near good enough a writer to really try to tell you how you could improve that, but after I read it and saw it didn't have a reply yet I had to post something, because I enjoyed reading it more than anything else I've read in a while. I am partial to free verse myself, and you use it very well here; you have a kind of stream of consciousness flow that is easier to execute and follow in free verse. I like the repetition you use and the contrast between long, intricate ideas and the way you separate short phrases with a lot of meaning. "Anyways. My candle Outshines the sun" I really enjoy the lines like that. 'Anyways' interrupts the flow just enough to make me concentrate on the line, and also it makes me feel like I'm listening to a real conversation, or a person reasoning through something for themselves. The places where you hesitate ('really,' or '...') and phrase something as a question, help create that effect too. The end of the poem I can follow but not interpret well enough to critique- not that it isn't well written, I just am not confident enough in my ability to understand it. haha. I love the images though. the only thing I would suggest is to tone down the use of exclamation points in the middle. I understand the effect you were creating when you added multiple ones at the end of subsequent lines, but I found it distracting. That is more a personal preference, though, and I see the effect you were going for in that section. I wish I could say more about this poem, but I just started writing a few months ago. I still cannot believe that this was your first attempt at poetry. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing this. |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Thanks Spot for your comments. I wasnt sure aswell about all those exclamation marks, perhaps I can use a different approach to make accents, but Im not too sure what! Ive written some poetry before, but this is my first "real one", as in I wanted to get some feedback on what could be improved, etc... Thanks again for your time reading it and giving your input! |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
I agree.. first time? wow.. this was amazing.. I was constantly interupted while reading this but it was a great piece.. I loved your detail.. and how you spoke kind of like you were telling a story of your life.. in a way.. great job.. hope to hear more from you.. going in my library.. ~heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
reposting because I forgot to add this to my library.. keep up the good work  ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
I'm no critic..but I echo, "your first try at poetry?" Really? Amazing...enjoyed this wholeheartidly.... keep penning and I'll certainly keep reading |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
LOL, what a hoot! I had to read quickly as I am about to head out the door for work. Yep, a graveyard shifter. But I shall re-visit this tomorrow. |
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Fabiani Member
since 2006-05-12
Posts 123Mesa, Az |
It is like a Ode to free thinking and to Free Form. it sounds liek if this is ur first try then u have think along time and are now u can articulate ur thoughts now this poems is Very insighful and reminds me of my thought of myself as a poet thinking about things in a poetic way even when its so ordinary like a puddle or grass and finding your on meaning simple image |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I'll post here first becouse I like getting others thoughts about my poems. I hope to not be to rough on you seeing that our new at this. You have some great lines and some not so great lines. No poem can be all great lines but too meny that dont move your idea detracts from the impact. Example: I’ve been known to declare but only once in my life To things that weren’t even there To thoughts, to memories Of empty-handed stares That I was a Poet (Broken meat? I'm not sure I follow that) And that I was broken meat somehow That I was an Artist Lost and shuffling and suffering amongst the willows weeping (is there a reason for the tranceposing) My point here is Write and them re-write changing and saying out loud. How does this poem sound when you read it to me? As I said you have some great images here. I enjoyed the read Thanks Rick |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Hmm, well broken meat was more to show that I feel like a souless mass of flesh thats been tenderize...tortured, I guess...imagine a slice of ham on a table being battered with a sledge hammer...broken meat! As for the willows weeping part....well, yeah, I wanted to flip it around! Thanks for your comments, btw...very helpful! |
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