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Critical Analysis #2
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Seeds of Hunger
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Seeds of Hunger |
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jfharbis1 New Member
since 2006-04-24
Posts 1 |
I'm new to writing, please dont be to rough =] Embracing the dish overflowing Anticipating the endless hunger Speechless, welcoming the world again At the last gaze before slumber The last rain to fall Was many years ago The lands so dry Nothings able to grow With no rain to fall Prolonging the endless drought. I start it off with a single tear The planted seed will soon sprout. With the sky so amber So calm and so pure It’s anything and everything Which develops into the cure But for now it’s fragile Just waiting to go The sky is so new It’s shown how to glow As the world turns And the wind starts to blow The hunger sets in And I’m told to go To go back to life Where the dish is no more To haze world commitments Preparing for the hunger that’s in store On a throne, frail from hunger Countless ages roll away Distant sweet smells aren’t enough The hunger will always stay The hunger is so taking But I wont have it any other way Without the hunger all would fail I embrace it without dismay The ages roll away Oh is it ever so sweet The dish soon overflowing Knowing all will be complete |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Not too bad for a new writer. I do have just a couple of suggestions. Usually rhyming poetry works better with a more consistent meter. It can be difficult to rhyme without it and the tighter the rhyme scheme, to more consistent the meter should be. I don't know that there is any such rule but that's just the way we expect it. Then you have made one of the more common mistakes, forced rhyme. That is when it is obvious to the reader that a line really didn't belong but was just put there to make the rhyme. For just one exapmle, "With the sky so amber So calm and so pure It’s anything and everything Which develops into the cure" and there are others that I'll leave you to find for yourself. Be wary of rhymes that don't quite make it. Here you have hunger/slumber. They do not make a rhyme. These really aren't bad though. I just point out that they don't rhyme so you will know that. Actually the above near rhyme works pretty well for me as they probably are rather difficult words to rhyme without the much worse forced version. That brings out another problem with this poem. May of your rhymes are trivial or just too easy, such as ago/grow, go/glow, blow/go. Sometimes these are unavoidable but always should be minimized. Compare them to drought/sprout, sweet/complete. Then you have others falling between, pure/cure, more/store, away/stay and way/dismay. These are not inspirational but they are not distracting either. Every line can't be an absolute winner. Overall, I'd say your balance here is not too bad but I would work on the trivial ones at least a little. Finally, shorter works are probably better suited to one "new to writing." I wuld suggest working within the "standard practices" for a while would be helpful. Wait until you are comfortable with that then branch out to whatever you feel up to. Hope this helps, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmmm, another one note wonder. Pete's points are well taken. For me, I would drop the rhyme altogether, sit down on a Sunday afternoon, preferable outside, and just write whatever comes into your head for awhile. That is, the advice that Connery gives in Finding Forrester. I think it needs more visuals of the drought. |
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