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Fleeting (a sonnet)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fleeting (a sonnet) |
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RepugnantAbomination New Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 1 |
Deep into the night I go, asunder love lost that had never been, forever look closely, I am simple: a blunder. a banality. You? Never...Never. in your smile I find a uniqueness it lifts me up and tosses me around and fills me with a sense of completeness untill I am bursting, oh so abound. This still frame of life captures us meeting I clutch it to my breast and cherish it; sing a canticle, pray its not fleeting but this is greatness; I am not fit. So deep into the night I go, alone Remembering that place, you, where we shone. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey, Welcome to pip! Don’t get me wrong, but was your, …topic, really a sonnet? For some reason I was thinking sonnets were more stories told through music? Mostly just stories… I guess I was wrong in this aspect… Ummm, I’m also sort of lost on your poem! The first few lines I feel like your talking about a person who you loved and lost without ever having there been an “us”. Am I right in thinking this? Except the last line it almost sounds like there was an “us”. Before I offer any critisizm, if any, I would like a good idea of what you’re talking about? Could you enlighten me to the meaning of this poem? All the same welcome to pip! And I hope you keep posting regardless of my denseness… and I apologize if anything I said was hurtful? Stargal~ @-->--- |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello RA, Good to see another sonnet writer. I do have some problems with this one though. First and most obvious, English sonnets are generally expected to be iambic pentameter. You have the right number of lines, of course, and a proper rhyme scheme but there is no discernable meter at all. Next is the sense of continuity that falls apart because of the grammar or punctuation ir both in the first 3 lines. It might help to move that first comma from befor to after asunder. But then how can you make forever, in L2, fit grammatically? The period after blunder would better serve as a comma. The sonnet is a traditional form. while I know free verse writers often avoid capital letters completely, that has no place in a sonnet. You may get by with not capitalizing every line but certainly every new sentence should be. Then, your second quatrain is just too trivial: "lifts me up and tosses me around...untill I am bursting, oh so abound." Surely you can find a more poetic way to say that. Then the end of that line, is obviously just stuck in there to make the rhyme. The third quatrain shows a little more promise until I get to the end. "I am not fit" also appears to be just stuck in to make the rhyme. It does fit the context much better than to above force but it still just feels out of place. Your closing couplet also has merit. I like the first line. Even its meter is good. I also like the second line except for "you" stuck into the middle of it. After more thought, I think I see your intent but it doesn't come across well at all. Also, it makes for a metric speed bump if one makes any attempt to read it as I think you intended. If you just take it out, of course, you would have to do some rewording to maintain the context as well as adjust the meter. Finally, a sonnet is also expected to have a "turn," usually at line 9 but it can be acceptable to save it for the couplet, if done sparingly and carefully. Hope this helps. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, Pete here is a good sonnet writer, and can help you very much in learning the basics. It was a few years ago that he and a couple others on this site helped me to begin to learn the art of sonnet writing. I know I still don't have it down to an art, and this is not the type of poetry I usually write, but I have just posted a sonnet.It might help you, in that it does have some of the basics: the a,b,a,b c,d,c,d e,f,e,f g,g (the couplet) rhyming scheme,and somewhat of the correct meter: 10 beats per line, with emphasis on the second beat: da DA da DA da DA da DA da DA. That is the iambic pentameter. Hope this helps. Sonnet writing is not the easiest thing to do, though it may sound simple when you read one. Keep trying! Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (03-21-2006 07:57 PM).] |
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