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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Realization |
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lostpoet25 New Member
since 2006-03-11
Posts 6Illinois, USA |
Behind the lies and subtle deceit Remains a truth yet to be seen Among the evil and hateful things Remains a joy only love brings Forgotten realms of hidden lore Locked and sealed within your core A deep distrust of all things real Nothing changes when you cease to feel You must release your deepest fears Empty your mind, allow your thoughts to clear Only then will you truly find A way to leave your preconceptions behind Realizing inner peace, tranquility You'll finally discover what all you know means. Josh |
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| © Copyright 2006 Josh Blight - All Rights Reserved | |||
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talesien Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
quote: This seems like a collection of solid lines and couplets that aren't really related. It's almost like you are trying to say something important. I had a professor in college for a creative writing class who said once that great poetry is found, not forced. This feels forced. The ryhming seems somewhat forced, and you are asking the reader to intuitively understand how these lines go together without leading them to it. His other rule was "images over ideas". Here are a few suggestions that might help the flow of this poem, and push it's message a bit more into the realm of conciousness. Behind the lies, subtle deciet A truth remains, slumbering, unseen Hate shorn thorns, scattered to maim Can't take hold where joy holds sway Notice how I replaced ideas with things, and personified what ideas were left by giving them intent. Feel free to use or abuse those suggestions, but maybe take a shot at a re-write with those techniques and see what you can come up with. Gary |
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lostpoet25 New Member
since 2006-03-11
Posts 6Illinois, USA |
thank you for the tips. I think I'll do what you suggested and give it a try. I appreciate it. I never actually had any assistance with my poetry, just picked up a pen and started writing. Josh |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I would have to agree with what talesien said. There is great potential in some of the lines; they just need to be put together with something in the same category! One of the lines, that really sticks out to me, which I did not like was, “Empty your mind, allow your thoughts to clear only then will you truly find A way to leave your preconceptions behind” Do not get me wrong, it has a nice rhythm to it, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Although, I did like this particular part of the poem, “Behind the lies and subtle deceit remains a truth yet to be seen” I feel like you could build something really good around these two lines. Sorry, I seem to be just mimicking talesien in my critisizm. Good luck though! I look forward to seeing a revision (?) if you plan to make one. @-->--- |
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lostpoet25 New Member
since 2006-03-11
Posts 6Illinois, USA |
yes I definitely plan on posting my revised version. I am currently working on it and as soon as it is finished I will be posting it here. |
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