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MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

0 posted 2006-02-28 07:26 PM

ENCOUNTER

I MET AN AGING WOMAN TODAY

SHE LOOKED SO SAD AND ALONE

I FELT SO BAD FOR HER

EVERY TIME I HEARD HER MOAN

I COULD TELL SHE WASN'T WELL

BY THE SOUNDS AND SIGHTS AND SMELL

AND SHE LEANED RIGHT INTO ME

SO THAT'S HOW I COULD TELL

I WANTED SO TO HELP HER

TO MAKE IT FEEL ALRIGHT

I WANTED JUST TO LOVE HER

AND GET HER THROUGH THE NIGHT

HER TEARS FELL ON MY FINGERS

AS I GAVE HER FACE A STROKE

SHE REALLY COULDN'T SEE ME

HER SPIRIT WAS SO BROKE

I WANTED TO WASH HER FACE

SO I TURNED THE WATER ON

THE STEAM FOGGED UP THE MIRROR

AND THEN HER FACE WAS GONE...

I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES

[This message has been edited by MUSEconnieSEconnie (03-01-2006 07:42 PM).]

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2006-02-28 08:40 PM

CONNIE~
OH, YOU TURNED THIS ONE AT THE END AND CAUGHT ME QUITE BY SURPRISE~
I LIKE IT LOTS ... I DO~

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO MORE FROM YOU~
WELCOME, WELCOME TO OUR CIRCLE~
*HUGLETS*
~*MARGE*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - [email protected]

MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

2 posted 2006-02-28 10:16 PM

HUGGGGS AND CYBER-HEART KISSES!

I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS. MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2006-03-01 03:02 PM

Hi Connie,

For some reason I had to read this the second time before it hit me. Slow today, I guess. Very nicely written although it almost hits a little too close to home.

BROTHER JOHN
Member

since 2006-04-06

Posts 386

4 posted 2006-04-07 01:50 PM

YES CONNIE,

THAT AGELESS SPIRIT WITHIN US SEES THAT AGING ONE IN THE MIRROR OF TIME. WE ALL FEEL HELPLESS TO HELP. THANKS FOR A POETIC WAY TO THINK ON THIS!

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

5 posted 2006-04-08 03:58 PM

Connie,
To make this successful rhyming verse, more attention should be paid to the number of forced rhymes as well as the numerous bumps in the meter. Otherwise, you might probably have created a more successful piece if you didn’t try so hard to rhyme.
That having been said, this piece still holds one's interest enough to the end, wherein you surprise the reader by closing with a very good twist. This essentially makes your poem a success, in spite of the aforementioned problems.

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria
My poetry forum.

kjmdrumz3
New Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 6
Maryland

6 posted 2006-06-06 05:02 AM

ANOTHER GREAT ONE FROM YOU. I WAS ALMOST BORED UNTIL YOU CAUGHT ME AT THE END. PERFECT LENGTH.

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

7 posted 2006-06-10 07:51 AM

Dang, I love the punch this has in a big way, however, getting to it is pretty cheesy. And as said already, the meter needs work.

Still, I wouldn't go so far as to call this poem a success for the sake of the compelling close. There are just too many hiccups.

Lisa

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