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Ethan M. O'Callahan
New Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 7

0 posted 2006-02-26 09:38 PM

well we tried to stop it
and yet it came
fast as the wind
and inevitable as the dawn
breaking down our
half hearted brick walls
and they passed through
with out a thought
nor a care
leaving us barren
we couldnt do a thing
now time to repair
and it came yet again
and we saw to our dispair
it burning our bridges
that arched through the air
but we'll rebuild
just like we always do
we'll rebuild our bridges
that spanned to you
and we'll hope that you welcome
us back home again
until it returns
but maybe our bridges
and our half hearted walls
will, with your assistance
withstand the squalls
and the flame
and the lies
and the second tries
and sorrow that comes
when we realize
that nothing can come
without us letting it in
so reinforce the gate
let them bring their rams
we'll fend them off
time and again
push off the ladders
and sheild off the blows
they stretch off for miles
in hordes and in waves
but I've seen the light
and they tell me it saves
so we'll hold the castle
the keep, we'll keep safe
the cry arose
and again broke the waves
hold on my brothers
just one more day
until the day the clouds part
and the suns sends its rays

completely honest opinions are appreciated.

openthoughts
Member

since 2006-01-16

Posts 94
Where the child can be free

1 posted 2006-02-27 12:18 PM

I loved the imagery and just the overall choice of words. They contributed to the creation of a very powerful poem.

In my opinion (and this is only my opinion since I feel very uncomfortable when criticising someone elses work), I felt the lines were choppy and something could have been done to add more flow. This may be simply because of how contrasting your writing style is from mine but because of the particular way you set up the poem, it emitted an overall feel of lacking.

Powerful but choppy

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-02-27 10:08 AM

"Powerful but choppy." Pretty good description.Sometimes the rhyming seemed a little forced and some of the wording seemed a little cliched. The overall wording and imagery left a good impression. But, it felt like an exercise in speed reading. There was no place to slow down and absorb the content. By the time I got to the end, I felt completely out of breath. The short, choppy lines probably contributed to this impression as well as the lack of punctuation or any other hints at where or how to slow down.

JMHO

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