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Critical Analysis #2
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Into the deepness of oneself
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Into the deepness of oneself |
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jane_kiedis Junior Member
since 2006-02-04
Posts 38Philippines |
As one walk into the path that has been laid The wicked soul hit up the thought: "Where do you plan to go? Oh please! I need to know" "Do I seem the one for walking? Go ask the feet itself!" "Why ask me to ask the feet? We both know the feet can't speak!" "It appears you know a lot, you soul! But how come you're so naive?" "No I'm not, you freaky mind! How come you forgot 'tis you?" Then thought froze and got lost for words, It saw the stills of grayed blankness. Yet it knew that the soul was right, And so it leaned back and the eyes begins to weep. "I'm not sure where to go. I'm not lost though I feel away" "The heart my dear mind! The heart summoned me, for you won't give an ear." "And why should I bother 'bout what the heart covets? I'm certain 'tis nothing but its own keep!" "The heart desires more than what you can give, Though its you who incessantly steers" "And what do you suppose I ought do?" "To acquiesce and to fathom that faculty and core must verse to charge as one." |
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| © Copyright 2006 Jane Valerie Galgana Esplana - All Rights Reserved | |||
Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
What a hard, hard poem to write....constant issues tone and balance, mood and movement....one false move and it fails completely. It succeeds. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
That said however....there are some issues you can look at in trying to improve it. First, the color works -- but only here. Folks in PiP are tuned in to things like that, but I have a feeling it wouldn't be well-received in a lot of other venues. Also there are places like these -- The wicked soul hit up the thought: "And why should I bother 'bout what the heart covets? eyes begins to weep (plural noun, singular verb) -- in which you should work on clarity, and on the flow of the words. Most of those are in the middle third of the poem, while the beginning and ending portions are quite smooth. Some of this comes about because you use some expressions that are modern colloquialisms, while there are some word usages that are strictly classical... here is a line with one of each: How come you forgot 'tis you?" That "how come" is almost street slang, while the "'tis you" is a manner of speaking that's rather dated....folks don't talk that way these days. Either way of talking is ok if it's done consistently, but when they're mixed it comes off as a little rough. Do stay with this one -- it's definitely worth the effort, because as I said up above, this poem works as it is, and it could become even better. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> ______________Ratleader______________ |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Jane, I loved this read. Very inspired idea and very well written. However, there are a few things like "feets...itself" and "eyes begins to weep" they just kind of interrupt the flow. Whereas if the plural/singular things were aligned the poem moves seamlessly. Liked the color. Thought it as a whole was great. J Jason |
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