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MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2006-02-20 01:45 AM

Hello everyone. I would like an honest opinion of this poem. All comments are helpful. Thank you.

Why Cry?

Young lady, why are you crying?
Why the wistful look on your face?
Is it because your love is gone away,
up and left you in haste?
Are you grieving for lost love,
or grieving for lost years
spent in a relationship
that only brought you to tears?

Young lady, why are you crying?
Why the wistful look on your face?
Instead of crying and grieving
you should be smiling and beaming,
rejoice in the fact that he's leaving!

[This message has been edited by MsSouthernOrchid (02-22-2006 01:47 PM).]

Herumtreiber
New Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 8
California, USA

1 posted 2006-02-21 10:26 PM

I dont really know what to say, since this is only my second post, it might not carry much weight, but my opinion stil counts right?

I don't know much about poems, but the rhythym is a little broken in the 4th line, the meaning is nice and clear though, as with the moral.

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

2 posted 2006-02-22 12:04 PM

Herumtreiber,
Thank you for your comment. At least you were kind enough to acknowledge and it's most appreciated. It is a bad poem, I'll be the first to admit that. LOL I was hoping to get some suggestions on how to fix it when I posted it. Guess the best place for this one is the old garbage can. Thanks again and luck to you.

MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

3 posted 2006-02-22 02:31 PM

no, not the garbage.
i like what you expressed~
poetry is expressions of the heart~

My spirit will rise
above the sea~
There will be no drowning
of my soul or me~

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

4 posted 2006-02-23 01:07 AM

Thank you MGRoves. I am very appreciative of your response.

MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

5 posted 2006-03-02 08:51 PM

I AM NEW HERE TOO SO HELLO THERE!

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU CONSIDER WRITING THE SENTIMENTS EXPRESSED HERE AS FREE VERSE. IT IS OK AS A RHYME BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YO FREED FROM THE CONSTRAINTS OF THE RHYME IN THIS PARTICULAR PIECE, ALSO TRY MORE STATEMENTS OF OBSERVATION AND LESS (?)MARKS. EXAMPLE:

--------------------------------------------

Why Cry?

Young lady, why are you crying?
I SEE A wistful look on your face.
HAS YOUR LOVE gone away,
and left you in haste?
Are you grieving for lost love,
or grieving for lost years
spent in a relationship
that only brought you tears?

Young lady, why are you crying?
I SEE SADNESS on your face.
Instead of crying and grieving
GIVE IT A LITTLE WHILE
YOU'LL rejoice SOON that he's leaving
AND FIND A GRATEFUL SMILE!

FORGIVE ME IF I OVERSTEPPED BUT I REALLY LOVE THE MESSAGE AND I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEAS. PLEASE REVIEW MY POEMS IF YOU HAVE TIME AND FEEL FREE TO GIVE SUGGESTIONS.

LOVE LIGHT LAUGHTER
MUSEconnieHUES

I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS. MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

6 posted 2006-03-02 11:58 PM

Muse, I like what you did with this poem. I think you really captured the message better with the changes. Thanks so much for your help. It's really appreciated.

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