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oakgrove
Junior Member

since 2006-02-01

Posts 12

0 posted 2006-02-03 11:21 PM

let me warn you....
i am terribly in love with adjectives
...anyways

the same graceful mistake
has me drowning in sands of strength
hold me sharp near your silent tongue
weve laughed away hate and found solace in detached fear
your polite smile sings backward melodies inside my fragile thigh
scribbling forevers on an oak in lunar times
here in your lost hair we move behind the crowd
gathering food in the face of empty reality
can you finally hear what keeps me so impressed
with the sweet hollow of your face
and the wonder of your knowledge that i swim inside
when surrounded by shallow water

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

1 posted 2006-02-04 11:37 PM

I am in a rush but I would polish up this poem a bit with a few periods and commas - have at least a few capitals or line breaks to break it up a little. Also - "weve" should really have an apostrophe. Nonetheless, thats mostly grammar and I can't find much to critique in the way of the actual writing. Lovely work! xx

farewell the ash-tray girl

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2006-02-07 12:02 PM

Hi,

I liked this, but was a bit cofused with the imagery. Perhaps you did not mean to evoke imagery though, and that is just my problem.

I especially liked the line: "weve laughed away hate and found solace in detached fear"

Sorry...but I do agree that some punctuation would help.

In all though, this is very nice.

Regards,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

3 posted 2006-02-19 08:04 AM

loved this. heart and soul only feels has no puncuations enjoyed your thoughts

My spirit will rise
above the sea~
There will be no drowning
of my soul or me~

MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

4 posted 2006-03-02 09:04 PM

your polite smile sings backward melodies inside my fragile thigh
scribbling forevers on an oak in lunar times

WOW! I LOVE IT 'AS IS' AND ESPECIALLY THE ABOVE LINES. I GET IT. I WOULD MAYBE BREAK IT UP A LITTLE MORE:

the same graceful mistake
has me drowning
in sands of strength

hold me sharp
near your silent tongue

WE HAVE laughed away hate
and found solace
in detached fear

your polite smile
sings backward melodies
inside my fragile thigh
scribbling forevers
on an oak in lunar times

here in your lost hair
we move behind the crowd
gathering food
in the face of empty reality

I HOPE you finally hear
what keeps me so impressed
with the sweet hollow
Of your face
and the wonder
of your knowledge
that i swim inside
when surrounded
By shallow water

I AM NEW TO THE PROPER WAY TO CRITIQUE.
FORGIVE ME IF I HAVE OVERSTEPPED.
I REALLY LOVED THIS WRITE, WITH OR WITHOUT ANY CHANGES.
LOVE LIGHT LAUGHTER
MUSEconieHUES

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