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gelato
Member

since 2005-10-27

Posts 63
TN,USA

0 posted 2006-01-12 08:52 AM

Freedom

It's a difficult thing to uphold
My religion, one so old,
Two thousand years or so.
Even if old, I know that it's not cold,
Cut, nor dried; as some are told.

I thought that I had freedom
From ones that would destroy.
The lack of freedom that I feel now
Is nothing that I enjoy.

Voices that used to grasp me.
No more, I did say.
Old thoughts reach me from the living,
Trying to get their way.

I am aware that there are trials
Knowing this I prayed.
I focus on the One above
And not ones who degrade.

Praise is what is called for,
Praise is what I lack.
Praise will make my mind soar,
Lack will make it black.

"Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life

elpoeta
Junior Member

since 2006-01-17

Posts 15
Puerto Rico

1 posted 2006-01-17 07:41 PM

Is your point that freedom is found in praise? I can assume that your religion is based on Christ, because it's only 2,000 years old, but why did you stop there, and not make a stronger point to a relationship with "the One above"? I sometimes do the same thing, whereas you start off at one place and finish off at another, then tie it all back together again with the final verses. Good read, I have to say that I did enjoy it.

gelato
Member

since 2005-10-27

Posts 63
TN,USA

2 posted 2006-01-17 07:48 PM

Thank you. Yes, my religion is Christocentric. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I ended up with the 'praise' stanza because I realize that I don't praise Him often enough.

"Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life

LifeSinger
Junior Member

since 2006-01-15

Posts 25
Kentucky, USA

3 posted 2006-01-23 03:51 PM

I agree with elpoeta about starting in one place and ending another, something i often do. overall, though this is really nice. i only have one peice of advice, in the first stanza, the phrase "Even if old, I know its not cold" sort of breaks the pattern of rhyming, because instead of rhyming at the end of the line, it rhyms within itself. If I were you, i would change "even if old" to "even so" wonderfull poetry!!!

Haley

gelato
Member

since 2005-10-27

Posts 63
TN,USA

4 posted 2006-01-23 03:58 PM

Thanks Haley! That would make it read easier.

"Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life

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