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Seven Ages of Man
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Seven Ages of Man |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland 
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This was an assignment - to write our own "Seven Ages of Man". I was told to fix it up a bit. Any advice? He ushered me through a heavy wooden door laden with promises and dripping golden ashes. He advances finger pointed in the air and fanged teeth gleaming I'm to watch a play tonight. The first scene flickers and dances in front of my eyes A newborn baby swathed in pink Eyes creased and mouth indignant as proud parents rest Wearily ecstatic The second scene A little girl Eyes wide hand clinging to the bedpost As the storm outside beating her window with its angry fists sends her into hiding under a blanketed refuge. The Third Age a long black dress with long black sleeves Eyes hooded plagued with memories Close and a white hand traces the scars. The fourth scene, fourth Age Is a woman Eyes wild and bare skin displayed her laughter is enamoured filling the timid with dare and swallowing days as fast as she can take them. Then, a red-faced woman with hard fought beads of sweat ornamenting her face And a final push and final scream are rewarded with a wail. And so begins the Sixth Age Gentle lines of knowledge fanning from her eyes and hair colour faded weak A weathered hand runs fingers over a leather-bound photo album and she sees tomorrow sliding away. The Seventh Age I see shifting silhouettes and shadows against the wall. A baby wails woman laughs And I see a photo falling “I know,” I whisper He questions how I understand The Seventh Age But before I answer I turn to listen To the final curtain call. |
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| © Copyright 2006 cheye - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dominique-Simone Senior Member
since 2005-11-12
Posts 643 |
This seems to read more like a story than a poem. try taking out the "And's" there are just to many of them... I have taken out a few words from a stanza of yours.. and changed one line a bit read it and see how it is different so begins the Sixth Age Gentle lines of knowledge fanning from her eyes hair colour faded weak A weathered hand runs fingers over the photo album, taught,leather-bound and she sees tomorrow sliding away. |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland |
I read through it again after your comment and agree- there are FAR too many "and"s. I am a little confused though, when you fixed up the Sixth Age stanza, you rewrote it "over the photo album,taught,leather bound" Did you mean 'taut'? And-(argh!) if you didn't, can you elaborate on that thought? Thanks for your critique always, cheye xxx farewell the ash-tray girl |
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Dominique-Simone Senior Member
since 2005-11-12
Posts 643 |
I did mean taut, but being that I was half asleep. Sorry |
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