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Critical Analysis #2
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Friend
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Friend |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
How can so many years of our closeness Just be pushed away? You say To me "Oh, that was yesterday." As if it shouldn't, doesn't, can't matter to me. It does. It hurts. I can't forget Your words, your belief. I tell myself not to be naive, That I'm no longer needed as friend. But, I ask you. "Does friendship expire?" Maybe this is just assumption, Because, I did not ask that question. There was just silence on the other end, I could only come to one conclusion. I'm no longer needed. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Patricia B. Carrasco - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
The main suggestion I have is use some metaphor. As it is, you give us the facts but don't make it interesting, don't make us think. Of course, this comment would not apply to the individual you may have written it for. If the purpose is just to get a point made to someone then it is pretty good as is. If you want it to be interesting to others then it needs something else. Hope this helps. |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
Thanks. "Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Details can make or break a poem. You're on the right track here, and the subject is well worth exploring. A little more specific detail, and you're in business with it. Think of a situation in which you were pushed away, then find some detail in it, one or two things that are colorful or biting, and that a person wouldn't normally think of in that context, to give the reader a taste of it. What was that person doing, when the rejection came down...reading? Did they even put down the papers? Did they look at you or talk to the air? Was there some interefering noise that seemed to match their tone? Was the waste-basket running over? It can be almost anything, if it shines a bright light on the feeling. Your goal is to draw the reader in, make them see what you see, so they'll feel what you feel. If you can extend that detail to show the pain, or shine a light on the feeling, so much the better...or you can work in something new that flows from it, and show the flow with verbs that have strong, clear motion in them. In a poem of my own about a situation in which I was losing a friend (a poem which had and still HAS problems of its own), I said, "If I whisper, my voice dies like a mouse in a snow bank; nothing of me arrives and nothing comes back, though you stalk my laugh, relentless." See what I mean about the verbs? I want 'em to make people's hair stand on end! ...does friendship expire?...there's a gold-mine in that...I think it's a phrase to keep in the foreground and build on, especially in your context, of being the one big thing you didn't ask -- and darn it, I wish I were the one who thought of it.... ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> ______________Ratleader______________ |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
Thank you! "Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life |
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