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Lotta Lagg
Junior Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 19
Michigan

0 posted 2006-01-02 05:09 PM

Road of Life

Coming around the road of life
I stopped to watch a bird fly by
A colorful flower that smelled so sweet
To the path of mystic curves
There below the hill was a lake
Where fish swam as geese flew in
I settled beyond the shady tree
The leaves of the tree were dying in color
Soon to fall beneath the cold snow
Yet though before me this beautiful day
And into the night the rested babies
Stars above twinkle in the night
While the moon sat high and full
The sounds of life so peaceful
I realized my path of life is here
To enjoy what God has given me
All the peaceful beauty around
No love greater than we allow
~

"One Oneness One"

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2006-01-02 05:46 PM

Theresa~

Welcome to PiP ... you have penned some beautiful thoughts~

Enjoy your stay ... read lots for the poetic thoughts of others also offer much inspire~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*No matter what I search for ...
let me know when it is LOVE that I find*~ <))><

Email - noles1@totcon.com

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-01-02 06:58 PM

Yes, welcome to CA. I do have a little advice for you. First, you have too many unnecessary or non-contributing words. For example, "A colorful flower that smelled so sweet" could surely be more compact and effective.

quote:
There below the hill was a lake
Where fish swam as geese flew in

You don't need "there" and what do the swimming fish contribute? You can find more examples too.

quote:
Yet though before me this beautiful day
And into the night the rested babies

Doesn't really make sense and "yet" isn't needed.

quote:
Stars above twinkle in the night
While the moon sat high and full

First line present tense, second line past is just wrong.

Needs a lot of work but does have possibilities.

Hope this helps.
Pete

Lotta Lagg
Junior Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 19
Michigan

3 posted 2006-01-02 07:31 PM

Thanks guys. I'm glad you took the time to read it and it better myself doing so. Does that make any sense. LOL
Thank you for the warm welcome.
Hugs,
Lotta

"One Oneness One"

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