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Critical Analysis #2
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The Stranger
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Stranger |
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Baba Michi Junior Member
since 2005-12-07
Posts 40Southern Germany |
The stranger was in my room again; he'd been cutting his hair for hours to see the tangles fall, burnt by the morning sun, a languid circle drawn in curtains of auburn. That night the stormwater rolled black and heavy as tar onto the bricks of the city, and he whispers to me in the dark, spitting words like cannonballs to the places in me where it is so much warmer, softer than the streets or this bed or the city... especially the city. He placates my spine with wrought-iron hands, ball-bearing knuckles- I am glass, stretched. The heat of his question hangs, abandoned in scalloped green edges like windchimes near the dresser. I smile up at him. The answer is buried in drawers under endless braids of his own hair, and later in his sleep he sighs onto the back of my neck while I listen to the stormwater, rolling black and heavy as tar onto the bricks of the city. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Well...a simple WOW won't do... but I'm not much on giving critiques... However, I do know how to give a great Welcome to Passions! Please, check your email for a Special Greeting! . |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Hi Baba Welcome to Passions! What an interesting feel this has...I like the scene and the dark feeling of it, but there is also love in it. It is mysterious, making me wonder what the relationship is and why he is cutting his hair. I wonder though, why you posted here. This is the place at Passions where the greatest critique is given, yet you say no critique in your profile. People will be hesitant to critique you if they see that message so you might want to change it. Again, welcome! |
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Baba Michi Junior Member
since 2005-12-07
Posts 40Southern Germany |
It says that? Yes, well, um... assuming that a person didn't know how to change his or her profile... how would they go about it? |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Cutting hair/cutting strength? Oh I really liked this...and I don't do critiques...but I wanted to stop and tell you how much I enjoyed this. and Welcome to Pip! "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Baba....at the top of the screen there is a place that says Members Area. That's where you go to change your profile. Email me or any moderator if you need help.  |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
loved the imagery in this welcome! I shall return again, with another comment but want you to know I enjoyed this very much |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
For some reason, this makes me think of what it might have been like in New Orleans when the floodwaters started to come it... the image of the stranger, for some reason, reminds me of some sort of voodoo ritual (I know that's probably an entirely biased connection in my mind) and the "bricks" of the city... it just had that feel to it. The only thing that didn't work for me was the image of being like glass, stretched... I don't see how glass really stretches, so the image itself sort of jarred me. Otherwise, I thought your imagery was all very effective. Hope this helps. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
This is a great poem. You describe things masterfully: "spitting words like cannonballs" and "with wrought-iron hands", wonderful. The end is my favorite part. Keep up the great work! - Ed Grim |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
great images. reads like a prose poem, but you use your line breaks to good efect, unlike most people. however, i do have my reservations in regards to the the pattern of images. it feels like a dream in flashes - was it meant to be jerky? regardless, excellent first post. we all look forward to reading more from you! cheers! -majnu |
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Baba Michi Junior Member
since 2005-12-07
Posts 40Southern Germany |
Well, glass when it's being made is stretched... I guess I should've been more specific. What about "hot glass" ? Yes, it's intended to be a bit jerky, but it is part of a series that makes more sense when they're together. I'll post the rest in a bit. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I came back to read this again, as it is an intriguing write. And I'm sensing in this, a who-are-you? query from this stranger, who perhaps, is a shadowdancer of your self, a fragment of your consciousness? And for what it's worth, the glass iamgery didn't disturb me. Having observed many glass blowing artists, I enjoyed this visualization. And after reading your recent reply, I am looking forward to reading the sequels! |
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Baba Michi Junior Member
since 2005-12-07
Posts 40Southern Germany |
Wow, Midnitesun! You really nailed it! Yes, this series of poems is based on a dream I had where an aspect of my consciousness was interacting with another in a really confusing, yet loving way. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Grinning here. I have been known to 'see' things, when I allow myself to open the meandering passageways and hidden doors to another's mind and heart. I don't always let myself travel there, for many reasons. I am looking forward to reading more from your pen. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
i do not see how being part of a series makes the jerkiness not a problem. a shot of harsh whiskey is still harsh, even if it is part of a series of shots. one thing i have learned the hard way, don't fall in love with your own work or defend it, thats for us to do. be your own harshest critic. -majnu |
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Baba Michi Junior Member
since 2005-12-07
Posts 40Southern Germany |
Majnu, your critique has not gone ignored. I'm still in the process of rewriting it, though, and I am working on the rhythm. |
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