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Critical Analysis #2
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Nine Months of Deception
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Nine Months of Deception |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248
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Crumpled paper lined the floor, written words that did not fit. Broken pencils mocked my torment, As my newborn son sighed in his sleep. How do I tell his father that his life is changed forever? Nine months of deception leaves me in this darkened room alone. Nearly a year of sleepless nights and angst over my lost figure holds power over my mind, making it ever more impossible to concentrate. Can heaven's eyes see my terror, focus in on my pain? He stirs in his sleep, crying to be held. Cradling my son for the first time alone, my breaths short and shallow, I watch as He deepens himself into my chest, trusting me completely, never questioning his dependence upon his young mother. It wasn't until then that I knew what to write. 'My dearest love, we need to talk.' I might have messy hair, runny makeup and a tear-steaked face, but at least I know I have loved. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Keryn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
In some ways, this piece starts out like so many angst poems in other forums. Initially, I was tempted to give this only a cursory glance--but chose to read it through. The piece has a few cliche'd lines that could possibly be improved on: "darkened room alone; sleepless nights; power over...mind," and you could probably find a more creative way of saying, "...deepens himself into my chest." But, in reading it through, I realized that, overall, this is surprisingly compelling in its simplicity. It scans with an almost effortless cadence which makes it much easier to read than the subject would otherwise suggest--I'm not sure how much of the metric flow was intentional. "Broken pencils mocked my torment" is probably your strongest line, IMO, while the ending, sort of drops the reader, suddenly--into that darkened room. This piece would be worth spending more time on, polishing the few rough edges. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (09-23-2005 12:21 AM).] |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
Thanks so much for reading and responding Cynics! <3kerR I might have messy hair, runny makeup and a tear-steaked face, but at least I know I have loved. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I think that this expresses the emotions of the subject well. I also agree with Sid on the strongest line, and that with a bit of tweaking, this could be a very strong poem. warmhrt "It is wisdom to know others; |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
thanks for taking the time to comment, wrmheart <3 I might have messy hair, runny makeup and a tear-steaked face, but at least I know I have loved. |
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aujussy wolf
since 2003-08-09
Posts 1215Michigan |
i read this poem and yes it does put the reader in your shoes , the only thing i think it is missing is a little more light , maybe some sunshine that the little one might bring in the future , even though it is hard to find in a dark room if you look within you will find it best wishes ~wolfie |
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selfishfish New Member
since 2005-11-20
Posts 2 |
i like the premises of this. it isn't overtly cliche, but is an emotional enough subject that it really has the chance to have some bite if done from the right angle. from what i gather, the meat of the piece is writing a letter to the father of your child and the difficulties in doing so. you stray to far from this subject towards the middle, at least in my opinion. trim it down a lot, dropping whatever doesn't have to do with the central theme of the letter. and a big question that i am left with is why the father doesn't know about the child. i don't like being left with questions after i read something. maybe it's a personal thing. these are just general observations, of course. |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
i agree with wolf, there are good things to come of the situation but even though i loved this. good write. Laura |
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nedj Member
since 2006-06-23
Posts 87Oregon USA |
I understand and agree in substance with much of what has already been said, so I won't repeat it. However, my favorite line is the last. The reason I say this is that if this story were a joke, which it clearly is not, that would be the punch line. Everything else is the "setup." The way you did it, warts and all, was easily good enough to make the punch line work. Now that is no simple task given that the punch line is one of the tiredest cliches on record. Yet you made me glad to read it. Wow! There is a saying in writing that you are obliged to abide by the rules (spelling, grammar, etc.) until you have mastered them. Then, and only then, are you free to violate them at will. :-) Well, you aren't there yet with many aspects of writing, but you're getting shockingly close in some ways. Self-revelation is one of them, and the way you set up the punch line is another. You go girl! A poem's just a poet in a word. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hello Chika "angst over my lost figure/holds power" is good, for I wonder if it's your figure, or the person who's absent in this poem. I love "he deepens himself into my chest", it's beautifully descriptive. You have a good flow, and manage to spell it out without it sounding like a "dear diary" entry. That said, I would ommit stuff like "how do I tell his father?", although I've just had a conversation about subject clarity in writing, so that's just my opinion. An expressive write. thanks for the read. |
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