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Alone in the dark
Member

since 2006-02-10

Posts 105
On the edge of an abyss

0 posted 2006-06-20 06:05 AM

Welcome to hell
would you like to come in?
Cross over the threshold
let the journey begin

The first thing you do
is take a step back
Because hell makes no sense
and guidance is slack

So you wander around
in a place filled with screams
From the terror that finds it's way
into your dreams

There is no escape
from this place, you know
You can fight all you want
but hell won't let go

You'll look for a light
but find that there's none
And you can never undo
the damage you've done

So you sell your soul
in exchange for a deal
But, in hell, deals break
and there is no appeal

The peace you were promised
never enters your mind
And the end to your nightmares
you're never to find

If this sounds like a place
that you'd like to be
Take hold of my hand
and come there with me

But first I must warn you
of all that you'll lose
So listen carefully
before you choose

Your soul is the first thing to go
then your heart
And your sanity then
from you will depart

Then you're lost and you're lonely
not knowing your needs
And it's from this confusion
that pure evil feeds

So you sink even lower
inside of this place
And you put on a mask
to cover your face

So that nobody knows
the pain that you hide
And nobody knows
the place you reside

And this I can tell you
with certainty
Your soul will be lost
for eternity

Alone in the dark
Member

since 2006-02-10

Posts 105
On the edge of an abyss

1 posted 2006-06-20 06:13 AM

Before anyone comments, I'd like to make it clear that this isn't about the biblical hell. It was how my life felt at the time

^*^Angel^*^

YeshuJah
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 65
FL USA

2 posted 2006-06-22 11:12 AM

Way too long! Way too many cliches! C'mon, you could do this better. Condense it, or justify its length with intense word/phrase construction. After all, you're attempting to describe a very intense situation here in poetic form - this reads like teary eyed prose.

YeshuJah.

loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

3 posted 2006-06-25 12:03 PM

Its a good poem, It seems like you were trying a little too hard to budge some of the rhymes, but overall its pretty good...

"when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join them in a mutual weirdness and call it love-true love"

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