»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Wind.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Wind. |
|
|
sunsetgun Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21 |
The wind destroys the evidence of every mark that I have left I have begun to lose the sense that I actualy did exist This sand engulfs my every step what will I had is trapped by it with every stride I do regret you never knew how strong I felt , I had hoped to find my fate out in this uncharted waste, though i can still see your face I know your lips I'll never taste So as I lay down to die and gaze into the desert sky I begin to wonder why, that you could never say goodbye. The wind picks up a lonely tune and brings the scent of desert blooms my final breath is coming soon my final rest beneath this dune. |
||
| © Copyright 2005 sunsetgun - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"I had hoped to find my fate out in this uncharted waste, though i can still see your face I know your lips I'll never taste So as I lay down to die and gaze into the desert sky I begin to wonder why, that you could never say goodbye" welcome to Passions! maybe try this? 'I hoped to find my fate within this uncharted waste' and 'as I lie down, prepared to die, I gaze into the desert sky wondering why you never could say goodbye' just a thought |
||
|
Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
welcome, I wll come back in a few days to better analyze it, but I am out of time (; See yeah later -Juju Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic |
||
|
sunsetgun Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21 |
Thanks for your time! |
||
|
sunsetgun Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21 |
"welcome to Passions! maybe try this? 'I hoped to find my fate within this uncharted waste' and 'as I lie down, prepared to die, I gaze into the desert sky wondering why you never could say goodbye' just a thought" hey, thanks for the advice ,I found those areas in particular to be clunky. well back to the old writing board |
||
|
Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
I like this one alot. The biggest trick to writting good poems is take atvantage of themes and make sure yopur poem has good flow. You set the mood in the begiining of the poem, which I like alot. Be careful though not to state words so the reader can inticapate them and when you repeat words it should be more then three times. I like this poem alot. I've known the feeling -Juju Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic |
||
|
sunsetgun Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21 |
thanks for your help ,I'm terribly new at this poetry stuff so I'm not sure what all the rules are yet..more research is required. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I'm a little late but welcome to the forum anyway. Since you posted in Critical Analysis (CA) I guess you want our impressions. You said above that you are new to poetry. In that case, I would have to say this is a pretty good start. I found it interesting enough to read more than once and that is a good thing. Now, since this is CA, I did find some faults. Keep in mind though that this is all just one uneducated opinion. It looks like you were trying to write iambic tetrameter and you have been fairly successful. If you intended to write non-metric then just ignore this. If you are new and don't recognize the "big words" above, tetrameter means four feet per line and iambic means each foot consists of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. In the first stanza, L4 misses the mark completely. Actually is just not a word that can easily be put into an iambic line and the first unstressed syllable is missing. I don't think the line can be salvaged without rewriting it completely. Then, L3 is acceptable although on first reading, it can throw the reader. I don't suggest changing it though. I just point this out to distinguish it from the rest of the lines which read and flow perfectly. The second stanza is more problematic. L1 is missing its first unstressed syllable. That is an acceptable variation, if there is a valid reason for it and it is not overdone. The common acceptable reason is to emphasize the line. That probably applies here. L2 and L3 are completely off meter. Uncharted destroys L2 and there is a missing unstressed syllable between still and see in L3. Possible fixes might be, out in this God forsaken waste though I can still admire your face I don't suggest that wording but just present an example of correct meter. Some will object to the inversion in S2, L4. It might read better as, your lips, I know I'll never taste Yes, this is still inverted but may be a little less noticeable. L5 is again missing an unstressed syllable between lay and down. I'll leave you to devise substitute wording there. In L7, you have again omitted the first unstressed syllable. I don't think it is justified here. Finally, that seems at least awkward grammatically although the syllable is necessary. I think a rewording of the line would help. S3 is right on meter. I think I would change blooms to bloom to better fit the rhyme. That, of course, is not a perfect rhyme. It is called a slant rhyme or near rhyme. Considering the rest of the poem having no specific rhyme scheme, it is perfectly acceptable. Ok, that's all for today. Pete |
||
|
sunsetgun Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21 |
Line four in the first Stanza has been problematic fom the get go ,but I wrangled with it for a while and couldn't seem to fix it to my satisfaction .. as for the stressed or unstressed syllables I'm goin to need to do some homework on that. I really appreciate your criticism and will attempt to apply it and hopefully improve |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
