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AnonymousPoet
New Member

since 2005-07-12

Posts 2

0 posted 2005-07-12 01:28 AM

Hello, I'm new to the forum and poetry altogether. I don't know much about form or structure (I take my first poetry class next semester), but I've decided to pen a poem that's been inside my mind for the past few weeks. Notwithstanding proper form or structure, i'd like some critique on flow and wording. Thanks in advance.

AnonymousPoet

Function of Time

Who speaks the truth and who spreads the lies
If you want to decide put on a suit and tie
There’s still a colored line that divides you and I
Need I remind that from time to time
The truth may only been seen through a child’s eye

What you’ll find is a culture of fear
Produce by a country that has no peer
More than ever protecting its borders
From enemies equipped with unknown soldiers
While the youth inside enlist to die
For reasons that men continue to hide

So I free my mind until I find
A place and time when it’s not a crime
To unwind with a pipe and dime, patron with lime
My friends and I
We live a life not unlike that inside a six by nine
Where justice is blind to those less incline
To follow the line between wrong and right
Where every day and night
Is a struggle from nine to five to stay alive

Open your minted eyes
Life cannot be measured in nickels, quarters or dimes
Every dollar gained is a function of time
Tangible the former and for many the prime
The latter less certain but one we all must climb

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

1 posted 2005-07-12 10:35 AM

so honest with a hint of a plea, your a marvelous person to not fear teaching others...this was definately a winner in my book

Greetings & Welcome to PIP

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2005-07-12 10:57 AM

Welcome to the forum, AP. Some would say it is brave to submit your first post in CA. We really are a rather friendly bunch though, in spite of that.

I don't like to be too critical on a first post but I do have a couple of suggestions for you.

1) You have something worthwhile to say but the message is somewhat overshadowed by the wordiness and the other problems listed next.

2) You have way too many forced rhymes. You'll learn about that in your upcoming class. If you read a poem and it appears that a word or phrase was put in just to form a rhyme, it is a "forced rhyme." Several of yours not only appear thus but are painfully obvious.

3) Rhyming poetry generally works better with at least a hint of consistent meter. For the most part, your meter is nonexistent. This can work but it can be most difficult to accomplish.

4) When you write a poem, particularly one intended to send an important or serious message, let it rest a few days then come back to it. Read it again and try to find forced rhymes, awkward wording, broken meter or other stumbling blocks. Correct those and try again. If complex enough then maybe let it rest awhile again. There are those who write once and move on but I don't believe you can reach your potential that way.

I think you have a good outline here but it just needs a lot more work. I would like to see you polish it and repost the finished product. Also, you might wait a bit for more input from other members.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

AnonymousPoet
New Member

since 2005-07-12

Posts 2

3 posted 2005-07-12 11:09 AM

Thanks for the suggestions pete. Perhaps i'll polish this one up with some help next semester. Thank you for the warm welcome.

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