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a "re-introduction"
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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a "re-introduction" |
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brilliantlover New Member
since 2005-06-25
Posts 5Maryland |
Hello.. I am re-introducing myself. I was an active member in this forum about a year ago. Since then, I'll just say that it has been the strangest year of my life - I graduated college, moved twice, dealt with the first death in my family, landed a "real" job, and began a serious relationship. Writing sort of took a backseat to everything. Things finally settled down, and writing is once again becoming my first priority. I've been rejected hundreds of times, published twice, reviewed and edited for lit mags, done workshops, and now I intend to study creative writing this fall for my MA. I'm looking for some serious criticism and I hope I can offer some serious critism to others without feelings getting hurt  This is the last poem I wrote POST TRAUMATIC GRADUATE DISORDER A woman of twenty one, her hair and nails in line with the current fashionable trends - also, a tailored business suit in line with the length and width of her wrists. Everything you say will be held against you Everything you say will be held against you Everything you believe about yourself; About who you have been; God and politics and sex - Will be held against you if you let on Filing is the key. Counting the minutes and the paperclips, placing them precisely, praying not to be cleaning coffee pots one day with your Ph.D., and your trading card degrees. Everything you say will be held against you Everything you say will be held against you A woman of twenty one Nearly leveraged A hold on this thing called convention, it’s easy enough believing months are numbers when bills are due. |
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| © Copyright 2005 M. Carrigan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Hmmm... I think you need to work on pacing, flow and pause and timing. I will show you what I mean. "A woman of twenty one, her hair and nails in line with the current fashionable trends - also, a tailored business suit in line with the length and width of her wrists." -I would fix the meter. Look at the changes below. look at how the pausing is better. when you start a knew line it should be anoother thought -A woman of twenty-one years, both her hair and nails are in line and follow fashionable trends She wears a tailored business suit with the length and width of her wrists. "Everything you say will be held against you Everything you say will be held against you" -I would say it only once three times in the poem. "Everything you believe about yourself; About who you have been; God and politics and sex - Will be held against you if you let on" -look below (don't have to change it to this, but just showing you what I mean), see how giving it meter helps and pausing correctly I suppose too. -Everything you believe in; About who you have ever been; God and the politics and sex - Now all will be held against you if you let on (I am not sure what you mean having this here and I actually wouldn't touch it I like how it is phased. sometimes having things a little out of place lets it stand out.) "Filing is the key. Counting the minutes and the paperclips, placing them precisely, praying not to be cleaning coffee pots one day with your Ph.D., and your trading card degrees." -I really like this alot here so I will just fix the pausing. Also put that repetitive phrase again. The rule usually goes three or more times. -Filing is the key. Counting the minutes and the paperclips, placing them precisely, praying ... not to be cleaning coffee pots one day with your Ph.D., and your trading card degrees. "A woman of twenty one Nearly leveraged A hold on this thing called convention, it’s easy enough believing months are numbers when bills are due." And the pacing again below -A woman of twenty-one and nearly leveraged One holds on this thing called convention, it’s easy enough believing months are numbers... when bills are due -Over all this is a very good poem. Actual I would'nt put meter in this poem I was just showing how it could work. But I strongly consider the pausing and repetitive changes (The pausing at your discretion). I may be an engineering student, but I have written alot of poems and taken classes and such so its a love. I like the circling you did in the poem where you tied it up with the beginning. Very nice. It is important in poems to have correct grammer though, because it improves the flow. Very Very Very good poem -I like the title to -Juju Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (; [This message has been edited by Juju (07-09-2005 10:38 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Juju gave some excellent advice on form. As for style? You do know, of course, that Justice O'Connor, after receiving her various degrees in law - went to work as a lowly clerk. A timely write! Excellent job! Welcome back to Passions! |
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