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Critical Analysis #2
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i postd this in the teen forum but i want advice
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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i postd this in the teen forum but i want advice |
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the kid Junior Member
since 2005-06-24
Posts 16 |
this is also my first poem so please tell me honestly LONELINESS Lonliness hurts, its like a burning desire it feels as if your hearts constantly on fire it makes you feel empty inside like something is missing like somethings not right some keep it hidden and continue to deny that the feeling is there and still burning bright its like a disease no cure is in sight it refuses to die, its just keeps growing inside of your mind some say their fine some keep it confined deep inside but all you are doing is ignoring the signs that disease has won and possesed your mind but you can fight it by remembering the past and all the good times that you had that will last for memories are forever and theyll always keep you sane just never give up and let it win just keep fighting until the very end.  |
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| © Copyright 2005 the kid - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the kid Junior Member
since 2005-06-24
Posts 16 |
sum1 plz give me sum critisisim. any1?? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry but I find this extremely hard to read. No line breaks and no punctuation makes it read like just a boring jumble of words. Maybe I'm lazy but when I have to work that hard to just decipher the words and what should be sentences, or at least coherent thoughts, I find it difficult to discern any meaningful content. JMHO, of course. But, welcome to the forum anyway. |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Hello Kid I agree to an extent with Not A Poet No line breaks and puctuation make it very hard to read. If you want it too read as a story, still paragraph breaks and indentions may do the trick. If poetry was what you were going for, there certainly needs to be line breaks and emphasis placed on where one to to pause in reading... else it goes on and on, with no time for a breath of air. Try to add your breaks, punctuation, and polish it up a little and then leave the finished product in a reply here, possibly that will bring you more critisism and review. Tima |
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the kid Junior Member
since 2005-06-24
Posts 16 |
LONELINESS Loneliness hurts, its like a burning desire, it feels as if your hearts constantly on fire, it makes you feel empty inside, like something is missing, like something’s not right, some keep it hidden and try to deny, that the feeling is there and still burning bright, its like a disease no cure is in sight, it refuses to die, its just continues to grow inside of your mind, some say their fine and keep it confined, but all you are doing is ignoring the signs, that disease has won and possessed your mind, but you can fight it by remembering the past, and all the good times that you had that will last, for memories are forever, and they’ll always keep you sane, just never give up and let it win just keep fighting until the very end. |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
YES  Much better, now this reads like a poem and is a very good read Congrats... See what difference a few line breaks make? Good Work Kid |
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Angel1 Junior Member
since 2005-06-29
Posts 20TN, USA |
I concur. |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Much Much Much better. You only need the extra space in between when you change subject though, but yes. Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic |
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Constance Member
since 2001-07-28
Posts 393Ohio |
I like it very much after the revision. Fine effort. Smiles, Constance |
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
I only want to say that who said that poetry had to follow the "system" or "pattern" of line breaks? Why can't it be in paragraph form? The words themselves...I may have criticism for later...but the whole idea of having to follow a set pattern is kind of unfair to me! Poetry is supposed to be open enough to follow any format...to say it must have line breaks sort of makes me feel like everyone is saying that poetry is constricted...it doesn't seem like we remember the openness of poetry...we want to lock it into a set format because we're used to what it looks like in books...from famous authors and poets who write a certain way...setting the pace of what we think poetry is supposed to look like! It just seems ridiculous to criticize someone based on what the poem looks like. There are so many poets who experiment with format and break all the rules...their poetry is beyond exemplary...Harryette Mullen is a perfect example. Her work is sublime and she follows no format...makes her own rules...breaks them...sets new ones...breaks those! Her boundaries do not exist...so I don't think we should say someone else's poetry has to follow a format or pattern that we're used to seeing! Open your minds a little bit! Yv~Seeing eternal Sunshine |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nobody said you have to follow some format. If writing for yourself only then write whatever and however you want. But remember, readers also have the right to read whatever and however they want. If you want others to appreciate your work then it most likely has to be something they find enjoyable or at least want to read. Notice the response above to the changes. I can't remember who said it but, "There is nothing a nonconformist hates more than another nonconformist who fails to comply with the current standards of nonconformity." Pete |
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the kid Junior Member
since 2005-06-24
Posts 16 |
Yv I totally agree with you I also agree with Tim and poet but by even arguing about being open-minded you guys being hypocritical in the way that you should all stop and look at it in the other ones point-of-view and that my friends is being open-minded now I love the advice you guys gave me and I definitely noticed how much more interesting my poem got when I broke it up. I also think that when you put a poem in paragraph form it makes the reader (or maybe just me lol) feel like their reading a part of someone's life or emotional state. When the writer puts it in line break form I feel more like I am just rhyming line to line but that’s just my opinion. In conclusion there is no right or wrong way to writing poetry in fact you cant even criticize poetry due to the fact that even if it was boring or uninteresting, to the writer the poem might be all of his/her feelings on paper and I personally cant tell someone how to put their feeling on paper. But like I was saying poetry is whatever you think it is there are no rules. Now in my poem I do agree that it needed breaks but if I hadn't given it a chance and be **open-minded** then I wouldn't have noticed that it was going to be better and that is why I came here to get criticized and get tips on how to be not better but more successful writer and I thank you guys for doing so. Oh and since everyone else put in a quote ill put one in that relates to this topic "To be a poet is a condition, not a profession"(Robert Frost). |
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HAZMATTO Junior Member
since 2005-11-24
Posts 14 |
THE LINE BREAKS MADE FOR A MUCH BETTER READ. THE DUPLICATION OF SOME WORDS I FOUND UNNECESSARY. IF AT THE END OF YOUR POEM YOU FIND TEARS IN YOUR EYES THAT YOU GOT YOUR MESSAGE ACROSS, THEN YOUR WORK IS COMPLETE. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE A POET, THEN YOU ARE A POET. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
kid, I liked your rewrite. But two things: 1. "some say their fine and keep it confined" their should be they're. 2. You can write poetry without rules for sure. But you are far from correct when you claim poetry has no rules. See the following: Poetic Potpourri If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
I agree that poetry doesn't have rules, except one -- that poetry has LOTS of tools-not-rules, and the poet absolutely has to use them to control every single thing that defines the little universe he's creating. I like your rewrite much better, because it uses line breaks as tools to guide the reader, and help the eye flow through the poem without disruption or losing track of things. Clarity is very close to being a rule, and clarity comes from being succinct and explicit, saying what wants to be said, as simply and cleanly as possible. Here's an exercise that I use (and should use more often!)...go through this poem line by line, aloud or subvocalizing if reading right out loud makes you uneasy, and see if you can cut two words from each line without hurting the flow or the meaning....sometimes you can and sometimes you can't, but you'll almost always improve a poem by doing it, unless you're using some specific metrical scheme as one of your tools. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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DYME Member
since 2000-07-29
Posts 104Texas |
Your rewrite was much better, from an audience member's stand point. I am a strong advocate of poetic license, but you must also keep the audience in mind when formatting. The paragraph form was fine also, just confusing. If you had chosen to keep it in that form, you could have opted to capitalize the begining of the sentence to avoid punctuation, or only used periods and kept it in all lower case to emphasize the dark feeling of lonliness. It is all up to you. You are the poet and you have to write for yourself first, then your audience. Go with whatever feels right to you. I'm not crazy...I have papers to prove it!! |
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Pluto Junior Member
since 2005-07-12
Posts 12 |
I actually preferred the first version. It wasn't at all confusing, just very intense. Once it's broken up it sounds a little....I can't explain it, a lot less emotional anyway. Well done. |
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elpoeta Junior Member
since 2006-01-17
Posts 15Puerto Rico |
I have to admit that the first write was difficult to read. I found myself trying to figure out the breaks rather enjoying the poem and indulging myself into your emotions. Once I got past that I was able to enjoy the first write as well as the second. Very good stuff. Mike |
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