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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent 
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Spinning, spinning, 'round and 'round, one day my true love will be found. Falling, falling, sinking sand, here he is just grap his hand. Running, running, fast, not slow, I don't know where to go. Walking, walking, there is no doubt, my time is running out. Crawling, crawling, I am so naive, your plane is just about to leave. Driving, driving, almost out of gas, I love you Patrick, I am telling you at last. love will make you beautiful |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Ok I will critique I like to break the poem up as I do it though.... "Spinning, spinning, 'round and 'round, one day my true love will be found." -well This style reminds me of one I made up I noticed in this poem that you attempted to follow your own pattern so thoughts are just to make it cohesive and flow better. In this first set the second line is off in pattern with the others. I would not repeat the "round" so that the first line stands on its own. I would have more assertiveness in the tone by saying "I will find you my love" you don't have to use that phrase but look at it and see how it sticks out. "Falling, falling, sinking sand, here he is just grap his hand." -First off I would read out the entire poem before submitting. I suppose you meen GRAB. Keep the progessives to the first line (ing)and you changed from you finding the love to some one else. it is very aukward to a reader when you change from first person to second person. "Running, running, fast, not slow, I don't know where to go." -Don't state the obvious, unless you are doing it in a pattern. and the last line is off because you know where you are going ... to your love, but you don't know where he is. I would put this phrase before the one where you will find him. "Walking, walking, there is no doubt, my time is running out." -Keep progressives to first line "Crawling, crawling, I am so naive, your plane is just about to leave." -I would take this out and replace the last two lines with the running running. "Driving, driving, almost out of gas, I love you Patrick, I am telling you at last." -hmm.....quotation marks around I love you..... I think you neeed to organize this poem. in a logical way like from slow to fast. And always Title your poems. Even untitled #1 would be fine, other wize its like you don't care about the poem. At the very least unless it was meant creativly name it with a number Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (; [This message has been edited by Juju (07-09-2005 10:40 AM).] |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
thanks that helped alot. LOVE NEEDS TO DIE |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
I would like to see the finnished project. Don't forget to organize these thoughts so they flow smoother. This will be a great poem. Be sure to post so I can see the changes. perhaps from slow to fast and from I don't know where you are to Now I am going to tell you. Tis is going to be an awsome poem. -Juju Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (; [This message has been edited by Juju (07-09-2005 12:38 PM).] |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
thanks and I'm trying but I cant think about what I'm writing I will probably have it sometime this week. LOVE NEEDS TO DIE |
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