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Bonfire Night
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Bonfire Night |
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shatteredsilver Member
since 2005-03-31
Posts 63middle of nowhere |
I turned this in for an english class and now need to revise it for the same class. I am having difficulties changing it, so any suggestions would be very welcome. Bonfire Night flicker flicker there are spirits in our fire flicker, flicker and dancers in the smoke flicker, flicker ash snakes weeping madness reign is keeping flicker, flicker as the flames do grow Listen Watch the eager hungry flames grow greater. Watch the wood burn hot and bright. Watch the kin come hastening, crawling, creeping. Watch the dreamers as the dancers sing. let go There are spirits in the wind whipped tresses of our fire, dancers waltzing and cavorting in the smoke, ash snakes weeping fiery tears for the beauty of your sins, as the cloaked and hooded flee the dying embers. Catkin demon kind lurking at the edge of eyes, willow wisp death lanterns guide lost and wandering souls. Give away and lose yourself within the mesmerizing, hypnotizing rhythm music as the earth tilts, watch the world move as you drift away. Grey moth wing whispers of weathered plucking limbs. Salvation searching in the air for circle light and soft notes fluttering. Sky is diamond pinpricked with the god’s bone dust remains. Madness claims it’s reigning tithe as it stalks unwary in the realm of night. Snared and captured, bound truly as those who dwell in cages, compelled to stay by flickering light and broken whispered promises. Watch as your dreams come coursing harried by your own inner demons. as the liquid silver disc of the moon floats to the bright side of nothingness. Bristled arched cat hisses fury as the wasted dying flames sink earthward, spitting lies like honey as they come to tell you truths you never knew or saw. Taste their tempting bitter poison and brew your one true witching potion, as failing fading inferno chants it’s last – listen it’s song of glory. flicker flicker there are spirits in our fire flicker, flicker and dancers in our smoke flicker, flicker ash snakes weeping madness reign is keeping flicker, flicker as the flames do sink Within the sound of silence... |
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| © Copyright 2005 Katherine White - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I am not sure if this is the kind of revision you wanted, the poem is amazing and definately you have posted this in the right place for help. The folks in CA are awesome.  I just wanted to read this and then tried to help BTW, Welcome to pip!Bonfire Night flicker flicker there are spirits in our fire flicker flicker dancers in the smoke flicker flicker ash snakes weeping madness reign is keeping flicker flicker as the flames do grow Listen Watch the eager hungry flames grow greater Watch the wood burn burn hot and bright Watch the kin come hastening, crawling, creeping Watch the dreamers as the dancers sing let go just let go There are spirits in the wind whipped tresses of our fire, dancers waltzing and cavorting in the smoke, ash snakes weeping fiery tears for the beauty of your sins, as the cloaked and hooded flee the dying embers. Catkin demon kind lurking at the edge of eyes, willow wisp death lanterns guide lost and wandering souls Give away and lose yourself within the mesmerizing, hypnotizing rhythm music as the earth tilts, watch the world move as you drift away. Grey moth wing whispers of weathered plucking limbs Salvation searching in the air for circle light and soft notes fluttering. Sky is diamond pinpricked with the god’s bone dust remains. Madness claims it’s reigning tithe as it stalks unwary in the realm of night. Snared and captured, bound truly as those who dwell in cages, compelled to stay by flickering light within broken whispered promises. Watch as your dreams come coursing harried by your own inner demons as the liquid silver disc of the moon floats to the bright side of nothingness Bristled arched cat hisses fury as the wasted dying flames sink earthward, spitting lies like honey as they come to tell you truths you never knew or saw. Taste their tempting bitter poison and brew your one true witching potion, as failing fading inferno chants it’s last – listen it’s song of glory. flicker flicker there are spirits in our fire flicker flicker dancers in our smoke flicker flicker ash snakes weeping madness reign is keeping flicker flicker as the flames do sink |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
Hi Katharine, welcome! Say, there's a lot to like in the poem. I ask you first: are you committed to keep it as long as it is at present? It's quite full of metaphor and so many of them! To what end? Beautiful abstractions, to be sure. Let me hear back more from you about your goals for the poem. As you see, how a poem is taken is quite as individual as is the writer, and the reader. no worries.. I just have some idea that your instructor may like better a bit shorter and tightly focused fire? May be! cheers, reid |
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shatteredsilver Member
since 2005-03-31
Posts 63middle of nowhere |
SEA – thank you for the compliments! I liked some of the things you changed – esp. the breaking up of the line: “as the earth tilts, watch the world move as you drift away.” I may use that and even put it different places. Reid – I would like to keep it about at present length. Almost every poem I have ever written is longish. Why is it so full of metaphors? I don’t suppose I really have a reason, that’s just the pay I like to write. To tell the truth, I don’t have much I want to change, except for a few rough spots. The problem is with my teacher. We are supposed to revise these writings, but she gave me no comments. When I asked for suggestions from her, she told me “oh, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” So I have no clue what she wants. Within the sound of silence... |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
my personal opinion is that if the teacher didn't specify, then she really can't complain if it isn't what she wanted. After all, you aren't a mind reader! You are very welcome, I liked this very much. I'm glad you liked the break up of those lines, to me- it read much smoother. |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
I agree now with SEA and with you, yes. There is no need to critique the poem deeper, then. SEA made nicer breaks for it. thanks, reid |
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shatteredsilver Member
since 2005-03-31
Posts 63middle of nowhere |
Once again, thank you to all. I agree, my teacher is not helpful. I'm going to try and talk to another teacher and I may come back with her suggestions. Till then. Within the sound of silence... |
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