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Critical Analysis #2
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Doorway/Untitled 3
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Doorway/Untitled 3 |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
Love was once a door and oft I would gaze upon it's frame and wondered what lie beyond it's mystery. I've even touched it's handle but could never grasp it firmly. Daily I would walk past and could hear the joyous hearts of those you let pass- and the most I could do was cup my ear to your surface and yearn for you to let me in. I collapsed beside you. My head at your floor. Just when I thought I was doomed to walk this hall of sorrow, I saw a light radiating- pouring through your edges. It was a light that crept throughout my body and warmed me, brought my heart back to life and I back on my feet. I stretched upward and felt your heat, like beams of starlight, guiding me- renewing love's hope. My faith renewed with naught a step o'er your threshold. My travels led me to your doorstep, yet my journey's have only begun. From the silence I heard the rattling of a key and the knob began to turn. I became afraid and fought to keep my eyes as open as my heart. God reminds me to not fear all that faith has brought me. I fill my lungs with expectant breath. Unlock Turn Open Quick as a syllable- Agape and awaiting. Love's light had vanished, crept inside me, speaking to me now from within. The abyss on the other side reached out and pulled me past the threshold and cloaked me in it's vision. I dispelled all my fears and floated on the comfort of the unknown. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Jacqueline Vachier - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
Remarkable, enjoyed |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This could be an interesting premise. Instead though, it comes off as one of those prolix pieces I think could be trimmed to about half its length without losing direction. You could begin by attempting to reconcile some of the conflicting metaphors. i.e., S1 & 2, (just to begin with): "Daily I would walk past...(yet,)...cup my ear to your surface...collapsed beside you. My head at your floor." "...light radiating- pouring through your edges.(yet,)...It was a light that crept..." Sid |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
Areeing with Russ, I do feel that your poem can be focused better by simple revision. Poems of this nature, which go deeply into the self-doubt and impotence-feelings of the writer do tend to foster more of the same. We've all felt these ways and many or most readers in this board have recognized that poems which celebrate bleakness lose much appeal by that angle. The desired effect of such a poem may diluted by too very much of that wafting around on a hope and a dream. This is why shorter can be better for this sincere poem. thanks- and please do reply with your thoughts. I'm listening and I do care. reid |
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