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jaxjoy
Member

since 1999-12-14

Posts 112
Texas

0 posted 2004-12-01 12:58 PM

The Shape Of Me

Like clay,
pliable within your hands,
I let your emotions
govern my shape.
But still I lie formless
and unfired.
My cold grey essence
fills the stillness inside.
Left alone and untouched,
I harden.
No longer can I mold
to your hands, your touch.
All I can do
is crumble.

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

1 posted 2004-12-13 09:22 AM

WOW. Powerful emotions in play here. I like this poem and the way it socks it to you. I don't know what else to say.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2004-12-14 08:52 AM

I like this very much, but I would offer a suggestion...

you begin at pliable

quote:
The Shape Of Me

Like clay,
pliable within your hands,
I let your emotions
govern my shape.

and show that the efforts made are useless...

quote:
But still I lie formless
and unfired.
My cold grey essence
fills the stillness inside.

then you jump too quickly to

quote:
Left alone and untouched,
I harden.
No longer can I mold
to your hands, your touch.

and end it with

quote:
All I can do
is crumble.

This happens so rapidly, no sense of transition. if you were to add a but, once, or soon...and give it the sense of time passing, would it have a greater impact? I.e.,

The Shape Of Me

Like clay,
[once] pliable within your hands,
I let your emotions
govern my shape.
But still I lie formless
and unfired.
[Soon,] My cold grey essence
fills the stillness inside.
Left alone and untouched,
I harden.
No longer can I mold
to your hands, your touch.
All I can do
is crumble.

~*~

Merely a suggestion. But I AM going to be watching for more of your writing! Thank you!

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2004-12-23 08:37 AM

I'd drop a lot of the emotive words and the overt mention of a simile:

Clay,
pliable within your hands,
But still formless
and unfired.

Left alone and untouched,
I harden.
No longer can I mold --

I crumble.

Just an idea.

jaxjoy
Member

since 1999-12-14

Posts 112
Texas

4 posted 2005-03-11 01:54 PM

Thank you all for your suggestions. I reread it and perhaps if I mention that the LET in the first sentence is past tense it makes more sense? perhaps lol. I suppose heartache in life kinda happens suddenly and this was a mirror to that feeling.

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