suggest a good title please

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b.costen
Member

since 2003-11-02

Posts 107
ontario, CAN

0 posted 2004-11-25 10:49 AM

For me
Love has always been
Getting cut
And feeling the real cold of winter
Knowing how the blood
Stops sharp under the skin
And maybe know a little
How the heart feels
At the fingers coming in from work
As you rest them on my neck
I can feel the pins of love
Maybe through the hairs
Maybe through the energy that got there
I know energy cannot be destroyed
And I take comfort
In losing a little less to
The black winter of space
In changing the bits in you
That I can, for once, see.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2004-11-28 09:20 AM

This is, at best, ninties stuff.

Go home and write.

Given what you've written before, write more.

netsky
Member

since 2005-03-29

Posts 148
Miami

2 posted 2005-04-06 05:36 PM

Gosh, ben, you've made great progress since this nearly-dismal poem of months ago. I think this should remain untitled. I raise it up to compliment you on the great changes you've made in your style since November. It's like this was written by a different, far less daring poet.

hmmmm! good for you to not do this stuff so much anymore..ur, ever again.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2005-04-06 11:12 PM

LOL, a tough bunch resides in this den.
*sigh*
"I know energy cannot be destroyed" LOL, try telling that to MY body on a cold, damp Oregon night.

netsky
Member

since 2005-03-29

Posts 148
Miami

4 posted 2005-04-07 12:19 PM

supposed to be a bit challenging. not toxic, but challenging to both parties.

ben challenges me.. now, if he'd just tear into my poems. I -know- where my weakeness lay. Not in shyness, that's for sure. Meter, clarity, abuse of form.. those are my heels.

i walk on three feet without horseshoes.

hahahableh

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

5 posted 2005-04-07 12:25 PM

I liked it, but I read it as very sad. Was I supposed to? Sometimes I just am not sure. LOL

netsky
Member

since 2005-03-29

Posts 148
Miami

6 posted 2005-04-07 04:03 AM

ben's not back here yet... let me explain why I don't "like" the poem?

-first a fact: the poem is quite well made. he's a talent

-what I don't like is the venting, "emo" quality of the poem. It sucks life from the readers and does not give anything to make the reader richer or wiser or anything but 'bleh', despite some beauteous words and turns of phrase.

-It's a sort of turned-in poem. Characteristic, very much so, of very young poets.

-my tastes run towards poems of uplift or,, if "emo" is required, then some concrete expression of grief for a purpose specific: loss of a mate, for instance. And preferably ending on a note of real hope.

Italy Angel
Member

since 2003-09-01

Posts 65
Northern Ca

7 posted 2005-04-18 12:38 PM

How about, "Thoughts on a Clear Night"?

merlynh
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 411
deer park, wa

8 posted 2005-05-30 03:57 AM

The word “affinity;” defined in biology as a relationship in the structure between species that suggests a common origin. So my opinion is that “Affinity” would seem the best title. "Affinity of Winter," Affinity of Love," you decide whether they hold any value as possibilities.

[This message has been edited by merlynh (05-30-2005 05:33 PM).]

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