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Shapeless
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Shapeless |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought 
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I always thought that time was sand. Like when they tell you it's an hourglass and you believe it, just because it's simple. Then, grain by grain you watch it falling into a mound of nothing. Shapeless. And you were. I could have sworn you were every bit as dead as Lincoln or Washington or Grandpa. But time was real. Alive, even... It slipped and ticked and moved, and I believed it was time that would offer you life. So, when I stopped your time I didn't understand that it already captured you. That you were alive. Shapeless. But never lifeless, until now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a pro-life poem. (No, please don't start a political discussion.) I'm doing it for school. Anyway, I don't like how this turned out. I think it loses any strength it had at the end. Help! Please! Or should I just scrap this one and start over? Thanks for your time. He was a man of sorrows ...I am a girl of tears. |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
You're right, it does lose its strength by the end, but the beginning first line is nicely gripping. After: I always thought that time was sand. Like when they tell you it's an hourglass and you believe it, just because it's simple. Then, grain by grain you watch it falling into a mound of nothing. You run out of breath apparently, the poem goes south as soon as the second stanza. You might be able to rejuvinate it in the next one, but you don't. "or Grandpa" really kills things i think I'd try over again starting from the end of the first stanza, maybe in a few weeks time from now, see what you come up with... as for school, i hardly think they'll notice any especial lack of "quality" ben so what's it going to be then, eh? |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
Ben, thank you for your help. I really just didn't want to do the cliche "mommy, today would be my birthday" thing, but can't come up with what else to say. I'll work on it some more after that first stanza. Thanks again for the tips! Always, Alyssa He was a man of sorrows |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
CG, I like the flow of this and I feel as you that towards the end you have lost it's power --it's meaning. May I suggest maybe referring to "timeless" as in freezing a moment in time or preserving a momento in place of the stanza begining with "So when I stopped your time..." This may not be very helpful, but I thought that I'd try provoking your muse. Keep writing. quatro |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Oh, so that's who "you" is. Now I get it. It makes sense when I read it knowing what it's about- nd you did wonderfully not using the "Mommy, it's my b-day" or even better, the "Mommy, what's that thing coming toward me?" Cliche. I don't mind the grandpa line. Washington and Lincoln are legendary. Grandpa is personal- it brings the poem in for the personal punch. But that doesn't change the fact that I didn't know this was about abortion until I read the explanation. Maybe I title hint (and dear God, please don't entitle it "abortion"- lol) something like... Oh, I dunno, D&C comes to mind, but maybe that's mean to women who have D&C's for non abortive reasons... D&E then? The Suction... oh never mind, that's way to garish... sorry. My other suggestion for this being more clear would be to somehow reference that the "you" in the poem is inside of narrator- physically. Maybe expand on the hourglass metaphor- the shapeless sand/fetus being inside of the hourglass figure (or maybe not so hourglass, depending on gestational age) of the mother... Hope I've helped. And I like the idea you have here. |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
I don't think it loses anything until "...That you were alive. Shapeless. But never lifeless, until now." At that point it just kinda ran out of steam. I dunno, maybe you need to complete the thought on this stanza with something like: "So, when I stopped your time I didn't understand that it had already captured you," had wound you up and started your years. ------------- Something to complete the "time" train of thought...I don't think "Shapeless" works at all in this setting. The only thing I see truly lacking is the ending and I think maybe if you took more ownership in the ending it would bring it all together . . . because I read it as a mother, with new understanding, regretting what she's done. It's a terrific write thus far, truly lacking in cliche, which is hard enough to accomplish and still treat this subject well. And "grandpa" I believe should stay...it's the first true personalization in the piece and sets the emotional tone for what follows. Always enjoy reading you... jwesley |
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
i think it's completely incoherent. i can't relate at all. |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
In the end I scrapped it for the school project and did something else instead. I may still decide to finish it/redo it just to have it done... but I'm still going to give it a bit of time first. I still recognise it too well and can't start the way I'd like. Thank you all SO much for you replies and help. quatro, good advice. I'll definitely keep that in mind when I go to redo it. (My muse needs all the help it can get!) hush, yeah... it definitely needs something to make the actual subject apparent. I'd started once to try to reference the 'inside me' thing, but it really didn't work. It should, though, and when I take it back up to work on, I'll definitely do that. As for the title I'm thinking your med-studentness is coming through lol... but the title definitely is in need of change. Thanks much for the help  jwesley, I think that's where it really goes down, too. Though it starts falling a couple places before that, too. Good advice and I'll keep those things in mind when I work on it again. And the ideas for ending the stanza help a lot, too. Thank you! DC, then how can I make it better? Or, should I completely and utterly scrap it? Either way is fine with me but a bit more defined critique would be helpful. Anyway, thank you for your comments. It's good to know there's still a big lack in the poem. And again, thank you everybody! Always, Alyssa He was a man of sorrows |
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
i think you should add something a little more tangible. the poem is so shapeless. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Yeah, maybe she should write about sparrows and use the word sparrow eighty times. That would make it better. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I think it is possible at times to have too much help and one should be descriminating in the critiques he or she is willing to accept. I certainly wouldn't remove anything more than a filler word here and there such as "and" or "that" I have to agree with Hush on this one. You have a good idea in this piece and it needs very little in my opinion to give it more impact. The suggestion regarding "hourglass" is good. But I hope you keep the title. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I enjoyed this as well. Just some suggestions toward structure and wording. Please know they are just that: suggestions. I always thought and [as] you [may] believe, Then, grain by grain [,] into a mound of nothing. The use of "you" in the first stanza really feels awkward to me though. It may help to just remain in the third person here: ...[in] an hourglass [as men say] and [men] believe, Then, grain by grain [,] into a mound of nothing. Shapeless. And you were. I could as dead as Lincoln or Washington or Grandpa. But time was real: Alive, even . It slipped and ticked and moved, and I believed it was time that So, when I stopped your time I did [not] understand that it already captured you. That you were alive. Shapeless. But never lifeless, until now. |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
I agree that this poem is a little confusing when it comes to the subject matter. The personalization of the writer feeling the remorse is missing. I too think the shape idea could be expanded upon to help us realize the aborted pregnancy. Try taking that idea of going from the tradititional "hourglass" figure and idea you started with and show how the figure gets expanded and goes back to "hourglass" after the abortion. Just an idea. P. J. Kotrch |
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silvergriffinfire Junior Member
since 2003-03-13
Posts 21middle of nowhere |
I like this poem! The first time I read it I didn't see the abortion connection at all, but could see it when I read it again. I actually liked it better when I wasn't thinking about abortion, because the idea of a child as shapeless doesn't seem to make sense to me. I almost think it might be better if you took the shapeless idea (which I think is neat) and made it into a different poem completly, and used a different idea to get the abortion message across. Within the sounds of silence... |
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