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Critical Analysis #2
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Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

0 posted 2004-06-17 08:33 PM




A textured darkness cascades
unhurried and unheard
toward each bend in our lives
led by a thickening silence
it carries the past and falls
weightily from level
to level seeking only an end -
a bottom in which to gather
and measure its accumulation.


© Copyright 2004 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2004-06-18 11:20 AM


I realy like this- I never thought too much about describing worry- it's kind of a more unique emotion to describe, instead of love, sorrow, anger, despair, etc... and the imagery you used is really effective- the rushing, the accumulation, even the sensation that it trickles down and grows stronger.
Paper Tiger
Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77

2 posted 2004-06-26 06:02 PM


Everything about this poem is simple: from the title to the structure to the expression.  It's short and simple, but it's good.

We see much, observe little, and perceive less.

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

3 posted 2004-07-18 07:21 AM


It's clunky J.

Top-heavy, over-heavy. Any type of heavy you care to use as a label.

At the moment it's just one doleful sentence that drags on and on. Once could say that's clever, and fits the topic, but I don't think it is because it doesn't work.

I think you've used far too many words to over-describe your topic. Extended metaphor, my friend, is not always helpful.

Hugs

K

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