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Critical Analysis #2
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yet another dimension
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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yet another dimension |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
Self mutilation of will hold my pain in a metal box tie it down and watch it glow spill the rain on shards of sand fill this mind with regrets of tomorrow shaking, burning hold my hand feel the ashes falling down through my winter weathered hair I sink beneath the sea and drown slowly breath the dimming air clouds fall out of a pale black sky and stars sing haunting melodies as they fade behind myths of drows and black fairies swimming through my false reality I surface in a fog yet another world inside of me yet another dimension of sadness lost through endless spaces of time because in this place of worry time is history and gone shadowed by thoughts of being near ever near the passion of you if only I can gaze into your eyes hear the beat of another heart and pray it never dies do you want to know me? do you care about these things that cage me up and set me free? do you want to know me? I want to know you open your heart and let me inside |
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| © Copyright 2004 Bonnie Sue Bixler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Fagin Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 126Ca |
Nice imagery I could easily turn this into a Progressive Rock/Metal song Well done I would change the font colour tho.. Fagin |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
ack, I TRIED, I hate pink *points finger at throat* uhh, anyways, thanks for the compliment. Rock and Metal are kindove my thing too, so kool =) Running out of pain |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Write a new poem using this line. Also, try to write in sentences. |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
uhh...right...ok. thanks for the reply. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'shaking, burning hold my hand feel the ashes falling down through my winter weathered hair' I thought these were the best lines of the poem. I think you have some neat images, but they are muddled in with some typical angst-filled cliches like 'regrets of tomorrow' and repetitious use of the word black, etc. I think it has definite potential, but would definitely do with some revising and rewording to smooth things over, and you could probably cut some extraneous stuff. Hope I've helped. |
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