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Critical Analysis #2

Petal in the darkness

Halcyon
Junior Member

since 2003-04-10

Posts 43
Arizona, USA

0 posted 2004-06-15 01:16 PM

Petal in the darkness,
Such a sweet fragrance
Carried by the wind
Into the illuminating light.

Petal in the darkness,
Delivery of hope;
Treading from the shadows
Thoughts beyond simple friendship.

Petal in the darkness,
Swept away and shunned
By the cold, callous touch
Of an uncaring hand.

Petal in the darkness,
Oh watch how it falls!
Fluttering like a heart
Forever lost in doldrums.

Petal in the darkness,
Drifting alone this eerie night-
Remnants of a lost love
That was never meant to be.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here's a poem I posted about a year ago with a few minor revisions.
Some saw the repetition of the first line as a bit of a distraction, while others agreed with its use.

The greatest risk in life is not taking one at all.

[This message has been edited by Halcyon (06-16-2004 02:03 AM).]

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2004-06-18 10:18 AM

I think the distance of the narrator is a little difficult here... is the narrator the one who broke the girl's heart, or is he watching, yearning for her while someone else breaks her heart?

Also, I agree that the repetition here is somewhat unneccessary.

Hope I've helped.

Halcyon
Junior Member

since 2003-04-10

Posts 43
Arizona, USA

2 posted 2004-06-28 06:19 PM

What I was first thinking about when writing this was making it purely in a third-person objective style, with distance from the people symbolically represented in the poem . Each stanza then pictured the falling of one the petals of a wilting flower, one by one.

I do agree, after a second look, that style is somewhat strange, harsh even (especially to the "cold, callous hand"). I ended up giving her the poem, which she seemed to like, possibly relating it to another person in mind..

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2004-07-04 06:00 PM

What kind of flower was it?

How were you able to see it?

How was the weather that night?

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