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Critical Analysis #2
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Expansion
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Expansion |
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Tequilia_Sunrise Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada 
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Waves swell and break gently On the lips of a mighty cave. The crew manoeuvers the vessel Undaunted into its mouth. The luminous glow of twilight Becomes shrouded in bitter shadow; The rising swells distracted By timpanic echoes of dripping water. A haze of shivering reflections Bounces around the cave interior As a fluid decoration. A lamp is lit at the bow, Revealing a cavern that journeys Deep into the mountain: Tremendous stalagmites threaten from above, Dripping icy water like sweat From anxious stone watchmen. A smooth cascade of water Creates a vast liquid doorway, A doorway to an lost underground kingdom. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Amanda Seymour - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
I love the great images created by this piece. My only real issue is the length. You created this vivid image and then just left us with nothing. Its a beautiful description but it seems to me as though there needs to be something more to it. Great write, I'd love to see some sort of expansion to this. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
TQ, To begin to move out of the average category, you must remove "inert" fillers, i.e: "and" in L1, "the" in Ls2, 3, 7, 10, 12, & 14. As well as "a" in Ls11, 13, & 19. These words do nothing but upset the rhythm and are otherwise more of a distraction--if only slight at times. L2: "mighty" just doesn't do it for me. I'd look for a softer adjective to entice the reader into this entrance. L3: Since the collective noun, "crew" is more than likely working as a unit, "maneuvers" would be more appropriate. L4: I feel that "undaunted," belongs at the beginning of the previous line, (In place of "The") L5: Personally, I'm compelled to desire another adjective in place of "luminous," which feels redundant next to "glow." L6: "Becomes" has become another "inert filler" on this line. L8: The word water would be unnecessary if you could simply describe this vision as something like: ...timpanic drippings echoing...(Just a thought) L13: This line's clarity would be helped by using a word synonymous with the transitive verb, extend--rather than the intransitive, "journey". L14: The word should more properly be deeply, since "deep" is an adjective. L15: I feel, (again,JMO) "Tremendous" is unnecessary here since, by pointing out that these, stalactites are "threatening", you allude to an idea of their size. L16: This line should be simplified, (Something such as: beads of icy sweat) and fitted in after L8. L20. "A doorway" is redundant, given the previous line. I've read this several times and can't help feeling it has promise. Therefore take this for whatever it's worth to you, and discard what is irrelevant to what you feel your heart alone can convey. Sid |
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