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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land 
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They were condoleances flowers, received in a blush "you shouldn't have". Expensive of course, as all genuine feelings must be. They did not ornate the piano, supervising infrequent notes, or gather dust at the table, chairing the right to ketchup. Nor did they get bruised by Iona's brush, as she curved her way through the porcelain. Mummy took them instead, to dinner that evening. "How lovely Mrs Heal! You shouldn't have!" ---- my question is : ornate or ornament? |
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| © Copyright 2004 Claire Lucille - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
ornament. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
sicne you are looking for a verb, it should be 'ornament' as it is a transitive verb... but I would have liked to see "adorn" or "decorate"  Also "condoleances" is incorrect... I guess you went for condolences Regards Sudhir |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
grumble. don't like ornament. hmm. will have to find a way of fiddling it around... adorn, possibly... yes, sorry about condoleances, i realized after, its pure frenchism, that's what it is. bad claire. also, as a footnote, iona is the name of my cat. a comment received on another board was that i should find ways of making the feline presence more obvious, do you agree? thanks both... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Although ornament does work (it is seldom used as a verb) it is just too big a sound for the placement. I like Sudhir's suggestion of adorn. With your explanation of the cat, I do like how you have woven the image in. Without the explanation, however, I don't have anything to suggest that Iona is a cat. I wouldn't want anything direct but maybe you could find a more cat-like verb for curved. Sorry but nothing really comes to mind right now. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like ornate. I'm a fan of using words in a way they weren't originally meant to be used though... like, oh, I don't know, using an ajective and a verb. It's fun. with the cat- it's one of those things that once you know, it becomes obvious. leave it to the imagination. My favorite part of this is the mystery. What were the condolences for? Did someone die? Hope I've helped. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
cheers both, here's an amended version, with adorn and the cat brought in : They were condolences flowers, received in a blush "you shouldn't have". Expensive of course, as all genuine feelings must be. They did not adorn the piano, supervising infrequent notes, or gather dust at the table, chairing the right to ketchup. Nor did Iona's brush bruise them as she curved her way purring through the porcelain. Mummy took them instead, to dinner that evening. "How lovely Mrs Heal! You shouldn't have!" ----------- to answer your question hush, this goes back to when my grandfather died, some years ago. [This message has been edited by wings of the moon (06-04-2004 08:22 PM).] |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
hmmm... format went a bit odd, the last line of the third stanza is not meant to be out of place, only the computer doesn't like me at the moment |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Claire, you can fix that line as long as you get to it within 24 hours or so. OIpen the poem then click on the icon right above it (the one with the pencil) and it will let you make corrections. Hold the pointer over an icon a couple of seconds and an identifying message will pop up. If you miss the 24 hours, let me know and I can still fix it for you. BTW, I like the way you helped me with Iona. Gave just enough hint so that I can figure it our for myself without just totally giving it away. Pete |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
wow! fixed it! cheers for the tip, didn't know you could do that. and thanks, i'm glad you didn't find it too over-stated... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I do enjoy your way with words. You write well beyond your years.  |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
*blush*, thank you not a poet, although i know fantastic poets of my age, and younger. you just need to know were to look |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
"They were condolences flowers" consider: They were flowers of condolence Say both aloud. Even reading, my mind gets distracted and wants to insert an apostrophe in there making it a possessive. Just the mildest of bumps in the flow, but a bump. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Wings, I've enjoyed watching this one take shape, and agree you obviously write well beyond your years. But, even more importantly, you know how to apply critiques to your benefit. Thanks for posting. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
gourdmad, condolences, agreed, doesn't sound quite smooth. to some degree i rather like that as it forces the reader to slow down... condolence's flowers, changes the meaning though, making it the flowers of grief, rather than those of mrs heal. in which case she gives away something that never really belonged to her. hmmm. need to think over that. oh and thank you both for input. as to taking in criticism cynics, it seems only logical. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
How old are you? |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
18, not that young. i think the picture gives the false impression... on the condolence/condolence's debate, i've decided after debate (!) to ditch the s altogether as the over ssss is quite a mouthful anyway, so its now: condolence flowers few. [This message has been edited by wings of the moon (06-09-2004 10:04 AM).] |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Please give my condolences to the recently departed s. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
the S is dead. Long live the space! The family of the departed S wishes to thank you for your thoughts. condolence in person shall be assisting the funeral. no pictures please. oh dear, i need some sleep... |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77 |
Hey, I'm 18 years-old too! BTW, nice poem, though not quite my style. We see much, observe little, and perceive less. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Thought these were the best lines. Nice interplay though between depth of feeling and banal objects. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
cheers both of you, sorry i ony noticed this... my old e-mail address is dead now i'm at uni... |
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