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Critical Analysis #2

Behold

rainingwithsun
Junior Member

since 2004-05-06

Posts 19
Toledo, Ohio USA

0 posted 2004-05-07 01:03 PM

As I look to the horizon
the beauty that I see,
mountain so majestic,
an eagle flying free

The sun has just peeked over
a lake that is so calm,
I see a fish leap to the air
and then it splashes down

I see a deer come from the woods
and as he looks around,
I think he may have seen me,
he takes off in leaps and bounds

I step a little closer
golden leaves beneath my feet,
I come across a fallen tree
and decide to take a seat

A summer breeze engulfs me
the air it smells so pure,
the rising sun it warms me
and what I see is my cure

Nature is a painting
the vibrant colors soak my mind,
with images of beauty
I'll think of all the time

LucidityNow
Member

since 2001-02-06

Posts 118
Canada

1 posted 2004-05-09 08:20 PM

This is quite the first post, and in critical analysis none the less. I liked it. There is just one little thing that I would suggest.

A summer breeze engulfs me
the air it smells so pure,
the rising sun it warms me
and what I see is my cure

'and what I see is my cure' doesnt quite fit in with the rhyming scheme. May I suggest changing it to 'and its there i find my cure' or just 'its there i find my cure'. What do you think? Speak them outloud a couple of times and I think you will see what im saying.

and i'm certain that if i drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess, than she's made of me...

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

2 posted 2004-05-12 01:17 PM

Also, it may do to either completely abandon the rhyme scheme or make it consistent throughout because the "almost rhymes" in some verses and true rhymes in others is a bit distracting

rainingwithsun
Junior Member

since 2004-05-06

Posts 19
Toledo, Ohio USA

3 posted 2004-05-13 07:44 PM

I tahnk both of you for your critiques, I will certainly take them into consideration. This is an old poem I wrote as I actually saw it but some revision may be in order. -Scott

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