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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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War |
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Fagin Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 126Ca 
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Innocent Blood Lyrics and Score by Robert Rilling Day slips into night soon.. See the players take the stage.. Forces at the ready.. Tensions mount, feel the rage! They don't care this time.. This go-round,the toll will be high! Warships in the harbor.. See the battle mounting soon.. Take no prisoners.. Make their blood wash the moon! They don't care this time.. This go-round, Let the punishment fit the crime! We've no way of setting the children and innocent free... Wargods advance now, their ships sending death from the sea.. Politicians and Congressmen, they roll the dice.. Generals and Scientists, they won't think twice.. Now,you and me. .we pay the price.. Smoke rolls from broken cannons... Both sides bleeding, sad to say.. See the priests walking.. Spoke their last, time to pray Who did we think we would pay for their decree.. Suffer the children to come "COME UNTO ME"... Politicians and Congressmen, they rolled the dice.. Both sides have lost, No one thought twice Now,you and me. .we paid the price.. Robert Rilling |
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| © Copyright 2004 Robert Rilling - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LucidityNow Member
since 2001-02-06
Posts 118Canada |
BRAVO! What a first post. I enjoyed it immensely. One line in there that I think you made a typo on.... Did you mean "who did we think would pay for their decree"? or "how did we think we would pay for their decree"? Aside from that, I think this poem is flawless, I absolutely loved it. Can't wait to hear more from you. Welcome to pip. and i'm certain that if i drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess, than she's made of me... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Welcome to CA Robert. It's always fun to gain a new member. This is a good first post. It's also a difficult form you have chosen although it does seem to fit your somber subject matter well. It guess I would call it rhyming free verse. It works pretty well but I did find some lines a little awkward. Particularly, "politicians and congressmen" just left the feeling of too big and almost clinical words. They are, of course, important to the content but still awkward. Pete |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
quote: Because of the several syllables, I would cut it down this way: "Politicians, Congressman, rolling dice" Still gets the message across, and not as much of a mouthful. Same with Generals, scientists...drop the "and", and it snugs it up a bit, without losing the bite.  |
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