»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Until Now
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Until Now |
|
|
MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
I can take it, so please, if you don't like it, let me know. If you here do not like it, no one else will either. Thanks Until Today I saw her today for the first time, that ellusive phantom. The one who drifted soundless into our lives, slithered in like a snake, turning your head with her charms while I drifted through life in my security, trusting in your love, unaware, that in a short while, my world would be turned upside down by this faceless creature whom I had never seen before, until today. |
||
| © Copyright 2004 MsSouthernOrchid(Mary) - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Ms SO, I have to admit I found the overall premise intriguing although I found more than a few distractions. L2: "that" is unnecessary L3: Simplify this line. In my opinion you can cut, "The one who..." as well as, (possibly), "soundless", then turn "drifted" into drifting. L4: To further streamline I would cut "slithered in like..." IMO, all you need is "a snake" to state this part. L5: "with her charms" is very cliche' in poetry. You could make your point without it here. L6: "through life", is cliche' and could be eliminated without losing substance, while changing to "...on, (or along) in my security," L7: You could cut "in your" L9: I believe you should either say "shortly" or just, "in a while" rather than "in a short while"...just sounds less clunky. L12: Cut "before" and end this line with a dash. Take this for what it's worth, or discard as you will. As with every critique, it's simply one person's opinion. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
||
|
MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
CynicsRus, you have given me some very useful pointers and I can see where your ideas would make the poem flow much smoother. The help is very much appreciated.Thank you. |
||
|
wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
I might be repeating some of cynic's words, if so please forgive me! "Until Today" I presume this is just the title, it wouldn't work as part of the poem. "I saw her today for the first time, that ellusive phantom. The one who drifted soundless into our lives," maybe replace "who" by "that"? "The one who" sounds awkward, maybe even "who soundlessly drifted into our lives" or "ellusive phantom/that drifted soundlessly into our lives" "slithered in like a snake, turning your head with her charms" snake imagery is quite typical of femine charms, maybe show us more why she is like a snake rather than telling us she is. Think of reptilian qualities that the phantom might have... "while I drifted through life in my security, trusting in your love, unaware, that in a short while, my world would be turned upside down by this faceless creature whom I had never seen before, until today." This could almost be shortend, although i enjoy the mystery emmanating from this... This felt almost like a black and white movie, charming and intriguing... good job, |
||
|
MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Hello Wings, Thank you for responding to my poem and thanks also for the kind words. Between you and CynicsRus, I feel I have been given some very good and usable advice. I intend to put that advice to good use and make this poem better. Thanks again. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
