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forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

0 posted 2004-04-27 10:39 PM

The Pirate's Song

The wind holds fast the starboard mast,
The Sail; a sound as strong as thunder.
For pirates we doth sail the sea,
And Wail; the seven seas we plunder.

The briney deep doth churn,
Repeat; the billows fall and rise.
And when ships fall, both one and all,
Underneath, in Hell they raise their eyes.

---------------------------------------

This is an OLD poem. I wrote this back in high school. In it's current form I really think it's crap, but I LOVE the images in it and I love the beat--especailly that break in the even numbered lines. If you found yourself pausing after the words "Sail", "Wail", "Repeat", and "Underneath", then yes--you DID get the rhythm right. Plus, I know poets are terrible for loving to hear their own voice, but the 5th and 6th lines I really think are genius.

Eh, let me know what you think. Give me some suggestions on how I can trim this up a bit.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2004-04-29 11:48 PM

Really? I thought the 5th and 6th lines were the weakest. You broke your rhythm and rhyme, which I found the strongest part of this, also I didn't think the wordplay was as strong. I liked the first two lines much more for rhythm and cleverness in the tone and wording.

'And when ships fall, both one and all,
Underneath, in Hell they raise their eyes.'

I don't understand- both one and all? All and both don't really go together here- you're talking about the ships right? I do, however, like the final image here. It implies that shipwrecks aren't purely coincidental.

Other than that... I think you'll need to wait around for Pete or someone else who knows about meter to ahve at it, because I'm pretty incompentent as far as that goes.

hope I've helped.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

2 posted 2004-05-04 08:48 AM

If you are struggling over whether or not to cut some favorite lines, Samuel Johson gives the following advice:

"Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out."

Although this is probably my least favorite advice to follow, you may be suprised what it opens up when you remove lines that you really just hate to cut.

Additional comments: I had a little trouble with the diff. rhythms in the final lines of each stanza. I guess it depends on whether you say underNEATH (my preference) or unDERneath. I agree that Pete or someone who is well versed in meter could give better overall advice. I would consider revising to make rhythms consistent in each stanzas.

Otherwise, a fun little ditty! (So says this land-lubber, anyway.)

ARRR! Good luck on your revisions, mate.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2004-05-04 11:08 AM

Hey Jon,

Definately not crap. You got some pretty good advice already but I'd like to add a couple words. As Hush said, the meter is probably the main charm of this peice. Therefore, and since it is short, I would really like to see at least near complete consistency.

Ok then, what's off? S1 is all iambic tetrameter although L2 & L4 have feminine endings. That's all right as they rhyme properly. But, S2,L1 is missing a foot. It really needs to match S1. For example,
the briny deep doth churn and roll,
although just an idea and not a suggested change.

Then we get to that last line. Underneath just doesn't work at all, as Kirk said. The problem is not only the location of stress but the number of syllables. Maybe try,
Beneath, in Hell, they raise their eyes.
And that is a suggestion. It says what you want and fits your meter.

One other small comment on meter is in order. This is a short piece and it really cries out for perfect meter. We still have one inconsistency between the stanzas. The rhyming lines of S1 have feminine endings while S2 does not. If we wanted to be really persnikity we might complain about that. I really don't think it hurts here though. Maybe that's just because I like to throw in some of those feminine endings occasionally too.

In keeping with your pirates image, I understand you use of somewhat archaic language. I'm not sure it works for you here though. For starters, you only have two occurrences of words not commonly used today. You used doth in L3 and L5. Since doth is singular, it is grammatically incorrect in L3. I'm not sure what the plural formis if not just do. That leave only one occurrence which leaves me with the impression that the author didn't really understand the form or language. Therefore, I would reluctantly suggest staying with modern language.

At first, I had a minor problem with billows in L6 in that I was trying to relate it to L5 and the water. Considering the line starts with repeat, I think maybe it really refers back to L2 and the sails. Since sails can billow and I don't think water can, I am now comfortable with the usage.

All things considered, I really enjoyed this. With just a little more work, I think you could turn it into a real jewel.

Like Hush, I'm a little confused on the "both one and all" line. Since it doesn't seem to fit, it leaves the impression that you were just dropping in syllables to make your meter.

Oh BTW Kirk, I could be wrong but I always thought it was spelled ARRRGH?

Thanks,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

4 posted 2004-05-04 05:01 PM

Ok Muppet,

almost everything I know about metor and the like I learned from you, so as you can imagine I have very little insight as to how to improve the poem. (constructive critique my ass) jk.

Ok seriously,
I didn't really think it was one of your better peices, in fact I am more likely to agree with you and say it is crap (at least in it's current form).

I do however think it is salvigable. Maybe I was reading it wrong, but it just didn't seem to flow out of my mouth well. Maybe I should not have tried to sing it the way I did, but hey it is named The Pirate Song.

However as far as the meaning and the choice of words I thought it was ok, the concept and idea surley has potential, there was just something about this one just didn't click with me.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

5 posted 2004-05-05 02:13 AM

The others covered it pretty well.
Normally in Iambic Tetrameter, bumps are not bad if they're obviously part of the modulation. But, in S2L1 you're simply missing a beat and perhaps a descriptive word. The line seems incomplete. The natural corrective measure would be to complete it with the first word of your next line, ("Repeat"), then rework that line.
Then in L4 of the same stanza, where you have one too many beats. You could easily remedy it by replacing "Underneath" with a synonym such as "below."

Overall, I'd hesitate as well to call it "crap". Not at all bad for a high school poem.

quote:
I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

On any given day, on any similar site, you'll find lots of poetry with great rhythm--but bland metaphors and hollow imagery.
It's more than just rhythm.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primetimerhyme.com

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
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