drinking fish another pretty

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

drinking fish another pretty

rainydaymusic
Junior Member

since 2004-01-14

Posts 26

0 posted 2004-04-28 10:00 AM

DRINKING FISH ANOTHER PRETTY

Rhetoric is just lovely
lovely like you and nothing
more in regard to truth.

But I am more than this,
more than lines of loveliness;
So forgive me for sounding drunk,
when baby, I was just sounding warm.

I'll buy you a drink,
but you refuse everytime.
Oh God, you love be coy
and I love when you are.

Let me begin? Just where, oh I
can't tell you how much,
I mean, I've been staring.
That is to say, I'm sorry for this,
and I can't confess
just how much I:

Meanwhile, (I think I'm coming off cool
but then you whisper that I am
obvious.)

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

1 posted 2004-04-28 01:54 PM

quote:
So forgive me for sounding drunk,
when baby, I was just sounding warm.

I like this part a lot - direct, yet indicative of much more. As a whole, the poem seemed a little blase... much like a standardized 60's ballad. The ending could have been a little stronger as well... i was expecting more along the lines of the above quote. Perhaps you can look at tightening up the phrasing - i feel you were going for a casual, almost flippant attitude, but perhaps more concise might help.

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

2 posted 2004-04-29 12:26 PM

Oh God, you love be coy
and I love when you are

shouldn't it be "love TO be coy"

or

"your love be coy" (if you want streetyness)

or

"your love is coy"

or

"how coy your love is"

or

"you love being coy"

or whatever but as is it isn't grammatical, IMHO

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2004-04-29 11:39 PM

'Meanwhile, (I think I'm coming off cool
but then you whisper that I am
obvious.)'

Where's the rest? Either put the whole thing in parentheses, or continue the statement you started with 'meanwhile after the parentheses... or drop them alltogether...???

Anyway, other than that, I completely agree with Chris, just had to add my own 2 cents.

Hope it helped.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2004-04-29 11:42 PM

Oh- I forgot to add- I just LOVE the title

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.