navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » drinking fish another pretty
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic drinking fish another pretty Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
rainydaymusic
Junior Member
since 2004-01-14
Posts 26


0 posted 2004-04-28 10:00 AM


DRINKING FISH ANOTHER PRETTY

Rhetoric is just lovely
lovely like you and nothing
more in regard to truth.

But I am more than this,
more than lines of loveliness;
So forgive me for sounding drunk,
when baby, I was just sounding warm.

I'll buy you a drink,
but you refuse everytime.
Oh God, you love be coy
and I love when you are.

Let me begin?  Just where, oh I
can't tell you how much,
I mean, I've been staring.
That is to say, I'm sorry for this,
and I can't confess
just how much I:

Meanwhile, (I think I'm coming off cool
but then you whisper that I am
obvious.)

© Copyright 2004 rainydaymusic - All Rights Reserved
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
1 posted 2004-04-28 01:54 PM


quote:
So forgive me for sounding drunk,
when baby, I was just sounding warm.
I like this part a lot - direct, yet indicative of much more. As a whole, the poem seemed a little blase... much like a standardized 60's ballad. The ending could have been a little stronger as well... i was expecting more along the lines of the above quote. Perhaps you can look at tightening up the phrasing - i feel you were going for a casual, almost flippant attitude, but perhaps more concise might help.

gourdmad
Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley
2 posted 2004-04-29 12:26 PM


Oh God, you love be coy
and I love when you are

shouldn't it be "love TO be coy"

or

"your love be coy"  (if you want streetyness)

or

"your love is coy"

or

"how coy your love is"

or

"you love being coy"

or whatever but as is it isn't grammatical, IMHO

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2004-04-29 11:39 PM


'Meanwhile, (I think I'm coming off cool
but then you whisper that I am
obvious.)'

Where's the rest? Either put the whole thing in parentheses, or continue the statement you started with 'meanwhile after the parentheses... or drop them alltogether...???

Anyway, other than that, I completely agree with Chris, just had to add my own 2 cents.

Hope it helped.

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
4 posted 2004-04-29 11:42 PM


Oh- I forgot to add- I just LOVE the title
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » drinking fish another pretty

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary