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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-04-27 01:57 PM

this is a new style of poetry for me and i want someone who has seent this before to tell me what think, or if you've never seen this, tell me what you think anyway

Breathing Closer to You

She cries tonight
                   n
                   s
                   i
                   d
                   e,
Through the lines
                  i
                  n
                  king
the tears hidden in twilight
                        n
                        to
Bowls beneath her nose.
Stream deep into windows

            These three letters

Spelling names of those who stand.

            Burn wax figurines

Only miniature Icarus’

            In the whittling away of the light,

Makes ice cold dreams

            But don’t let the fire sounds fade.

The last kiss (your first) is still remembered two days later,
So those tears long for another. Too tired to turn and look
At smiling figures that melt in your mind. They roll around
And call you to do the same. You just missed your chance
For another. (I missed it too.)

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

1 posted 2004-04-27 05:24 PM

What's the style? What form are you attempting, Concrete, Calligram or something other than those two? I cannot give a fair assessment until your attempt is clear.

Regards,
Always Lisa

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-04-27 11:25 PM

i honestly don't know what style it is. i once read a poem by E.E. Cummings that was similar in style to this. (Obviously he is masterful at what he does, so i have no idea if this is even a form or not.)

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2004-04-28 09:56 AM

iT SEEMS LIKE THE LAST STANZA HERE IS BEEING A LITTLE TOO OBVIOUS IN TRYING To COMPENSATE FOR THE REST OF THE POEM, WHICH IS KIND OF CRYPTIC.

I'm sorry, the caps were an accident, but I'm not retyping it.

First of all, I'd drop the waterfall word art you're trying... it's really distracting. And I'm not quite sure E.E. Cummings style works well for most people besides Cummings... I find him really challenging as himself.

Anyway, I think your imagery is kind of interesting, but without the last stanza (which serves as outright explanation) I had no idea what this was about, which is probably a problem. Maybe if you made it a bit more clear in the first part?

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-04-28 05:59 PM

very true hush. the last stanza did explain everything. i may just redo it and get rid of the cascading affect and keep it ambigious, but directionaly ambigious. thanks

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

5 posted 2004-04-28 07:46 PM

Let's pretend I know something...Then this is merely word play on your part. And yes, visual principles. Cummings was skillfulled with both sound and shape. The visual you offered was simplistic and the sound was pretty much mute to this ear. Both sound and image must carry the weight of expression equally well. Your summary towards the end was more like an instruction manual of what the reader should have got throughout your work. Still, I must credit your effort but I must also urge you to read descriptions of these forms... Concrete, Calligram but don't rely on just one... Google is full of info and poetry of these forms. It might do me some good as well to do the same. I myself haven't done enough homework with the same.

Regards,
Always Lisa

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