Upon Waking Up in the Middle of the Night With Nothing Better to Do

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forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

0 posted 2004-04-25 09:35 AM

Upon Waking Up in the Middle of the Night With Nothing Better to Do

Parting the dark veil
   Which masquerades as true sleep
I rise and wander the apartment
   Full of the smells of home.
      There the pile of laundry.
      There the old pizza box.

I wander into the living room and turn on the tv.
   It shines dark into the dark
   And I think of you.

I remember the smile in your eyes as I held you,
   Your back pressed close against my stomache.
   You breathe so deep.
This place has different sounds, and I miss you.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2004-04-26 11:25 PM

I like this. I do have a couple of suggestions though.

'Parting the dark veil
   Which masquerades as true sleep
I rise and wander the apartment
   Full of the smells of home.
      There the pile of laundry.
      There the old pizza box.'

I really like this first stanza. A bachelor pad, huh? I think it's interesting that the narrator actively parts the dark veil... most insomniacs awake involuntarily... but this narrator, apparently, can't stomach the idea of this sort of false sleep and actively awakens... did you do that intentionally, or was it an aesthetic thing?

My only nitpick is that the last two lines seem kind of hollow, or automatic. Just kind of forced. Why not either do something like add an 'and' ('There, the pile of laundry/ and there, the pizza box') or just forget about the second 'there' ('There, the pile of laundry/ the pizza box')? I think it would add brevity and a natural flow.

'I wander into the living room and turn on the tv.
   It shines dark into the dark
   And I think of you.'

I like the reuse of the word dark here... maybe I ma just making this association because it's true for me, but both sleep and the tune-out of TV can be used as coping mechanisms, and it seems like you're equating them to one another here.

'I remember the smile in your eyes as I held you,
   Your back pressed close against my stomache.
   You breathe so deep.
This place has different sounds, and I miss you.'

This is where I began to have a couple of problems. First, it's spelled 'stomach'- no e. Secondly, phrases like 'smile in your eyes' is kind of cliche. I would have forgiven it, had you not immediately thereafter talked about her back on the narrator's stomach. Unless this lady have some interesting cervical-spinal adaptations, I think it might be a difficult task to look into her eyes while spooning her.

Thirdly, you jump from past to present tense. That can work sometimes, but I'm not seeing what you're trying to do with it ehre and it seems as though you might ahve done it inadvertently. Fourthly, you start out talking about the 'smells of home' and end talking about the 'different' sounds. I think I see what you mean- she booted your narrator out (or he left) and the new apartment has things in it that remind him of home, but it's still unfamiliar to him. However, it's a bit jarring, because in the beginning, I thought your description lent itself to a comfortable evironment. Maybe you could make that transition a bit more clear?

I almost think this would be significantly better if you cut the last stanza and went for short-but-sweet... or, if you actually let you reminiscince (sp?) section flesh out... you seem to have a talent for words and I think if you gave yourself some space, you could do something a lot more impressive.

Hope I've helped.

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

2 posted 2004-04-27 09:45 AM

>I think it's interesting that the narrator
>actively parts the dark veil... most >insomniacs awake involuntarily... but this
>narrator, apparently, can't stomach the
>idea of this sort of false sleep and
>actively awakens... did you do that
>intentionally, or was it an aesthetic thing?

Oh, it was intentional. I'm an insomniac myself--as if you couldn't guess.

>I like the reuse of the word dark here...
>maybe I am just making this association
>because it's true for me, but both sleep
>and the tune-out of TV can be used as
>coping mechanisms, and it seems like you're
>equating them to one another here.

Actually, you're close to the mark but not quite there. The real point of this is that the speaker goes to watch television to help him cope, and the "shines dark into the dark" line is really a quality judgement on what is ON the tv--which is crap. It's not "illuminating". The television is shining darkness into the room--ie it's not helping. The speaker is not learning anything. He's not gaining anything. He's just vegging.

>First, it's spelled 'stomach'- no e.

Typo. Easily fixed.

>Secondly, phrases like 'smile in your eyes'
>is kind of cliche. I would have forgiven
>it, had you not immediately thereafter
>talked about her back on the narrator's
>stomach. Unless this lady have some
>interesting cervical-spinal adaptations, I
>think it might be a difficult task to look
>into her eyes while spooning her.

Ouch. Yeah. You pretty much nailed me on that one. I'd never even thought about that.

>Thirdly, you jump from past to present
>tense. That can work sometimes, but I'm not
>seeing what you're trying to do with it
>here and it seems as though you might have
>done it inadvertently. Fourthly, you start
>out talking about the 'smells of home' and
>end talking about the 'different' sounds. I
>think I see what you mean- she booted your
>narrator out (or he left) and the new
>apartment has things in it that remind him
>of home, but it's still unfamiliar to him.
>However, it's a bit jarring, because in the
>beginning, I thought your description lent
>itself to a comfortable evironment. Maybe
>you could make that transition a bit more
>clear?

I can see what you mean. The point I was going for--and I see now that I missed--is that the significant other's abode didn't smell like home. The speaker in this poem has gotten used to *NOT* sleeping at home. He's been sleeping at his... "girlfriend's" place. Her place smelled different than his bachelor pad. It was a well kept house and his place is kind of a mess. Now he's sleeping at home again for some reason and the change has caused him to have trouble sleeping. Erg. I'll work on that.

>Hope I've helped.

You have helped EMMENSELY. Thank you for taking the time to give me such a thorough critique. I'll rehash this a bit and maybe post a rewrite. Thanks!!

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

3 posted 2004-04-27 09:11 PM

I didn't pick up on a lot of what was later revealed by hush and your explanation of this. Anyway, now that you know the faulty spots, and so do we all, I look forward to the revision. One last thing... If an explanation of a work turns out to be longer than the poem itself, that's not good... Perhaps reveling what you really meant to get across should have been saved for the revision. I feel like someone spoiled the plot of a movie for me. Know what I mean? I would have preferred to see it played out instead of being told what I should have seen and didn't. Whine!

Fairly good read at any rate.

Regards,
Always Lisa

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