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Unkown Virtue.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Unkown Virtue. |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
Unkown Virtue: My dear friend Virtue, Sauntered through my minds abyss, Spoke to me with much a bliss, ’Bout my love I love so dear. For some reason I found clear On her neck, like rugg'ed sands, Marks so red that marked my hands. As it stands its seven syllables per line, maybe it sounds a bit too strange cause its an odd number. Also, the first stanza could do with some work I know. It hasnt got any great stuff in it, it was just an idea i wanted to get down quickly, but it would still be useful to get at least a bit of critique. [This message has been edited by croyles (04-18-2004 07:37 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Overall, not too terrible for a "quick" draft. All lines with their seven syllables, read as Trochaic tetrameter, except the first line with its five syllables which has only two feet of meter. As to the wording: S1L1: Although this line actually sounds a little fresher than most, "abyss" and "mind" together make one of the most hackneyed phrases in teen angst poetry. L3: One doesn't say "with much a bliss" and it's unnecessary to use "a" with "bliss"--which on a side note is very cliche' in poetry anyway. L4: "I love so dear" is redundant and, along with "clear" in the next line, is a forced rhyme. S2L2: An unnecessary apostrophe I think you might actually be able to do something with this if you worried less about the rhyme or absolute uniformity of the meter. -- Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primetimerhyme.com If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICS |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
I'm with Cyn above. It's a good piece and it has great potential, but it needs to be streamlined.--Has a good beat, though. Oh, and it's "mind's abyss", not "minds abyss" |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
Thanks for the critique. As you can tell I am a novice at poetry, I only started getting into it a month ago and maybe wrote 3 or 4 poems and only 1 of them was actually finished. All in all, I find poetry to be overwhelming each time I get a critique, but I want the critique, thats the problem!! Sometimes poetry seems easy to me and then I notice how little attention I was paying to the poem and how poor it turns out. Let me know this, cynicsRus, how long have you been writing poetry? [This message has been edited by croyles (04-19-2004 08:27 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
About four and a half years, if you can even use such a word to describe those first attempts. But it was not until about 3 years ago that meter actually seemed to click in my brain. So, by comparison, you're further ahead at this point than I was back then. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
I wasnt trying to compare anything, its just that you seem pretty knowledgable about the poetry world. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I didn't take it that way, but I don't mind making the comparison. I've seen other teens who, like you--and I have no qualm about saying this--have much more potential than I or other "more experienced" writers on the boards. This is because they don't fear others' criticism of their work. If you learn to "winnow out the chaff" of what is offered and keep what is of value, you can go a long way. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primetimerhyme.com If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICS |
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