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croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

0 posted 2004-04-13 08:21 PM

The Ying-Yang:

His counsel soflty smooths my griefs
With fair liberating soothing sounds:
Ever teaching me that lifes not flawless;
Keeping my soul upon the earths hard ground.

But at night shall boiling blood arise,
When I see through strength that bulky form’s
Arrogance; the virtue I despise,
And cannot help my soughts in nights of ethical storms,
Of brutal murder, slaughter till decay;
Rotting his cursed soul through night and day.

---------------------

A contrasted plot in free verse (with some rhymes). I'm experimenting with different things right now. I like the idea of the poem, but I need to fix my wording, it sounds too unnatural, not because it doesnt have meter, but because it just sounds nothing like me, a lot of work is required.

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

1 posted 2004-04-13 08:41 PM

When you're done experimenting, clean up the typos, punctuation and give this some metre because it could be quite good.

PS, spellchecker would have caught those typos.

Regards,
Always Lisa

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2004-04-22 10:00 PM

Unless you're talking about the ever-mysoginistic Ying-Yang Twins (who I assume made the same mistake you have) it's actually a 'yin-yang.'

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

3 posted 2004-04-23 09:46 AM

I'm not subtle. Subtle is not my strength. I'm honest. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just being honest.

I like the intent of the piece, and I understand the speaker. From a content point of view, the piece is very good.

HOWEVER, you need to decide whether you want to go free verse or rhyming. The only time you should use rhyme in a free verse poem is if you are making a point. Your 'kick line' as it were can rhyme. Otherwise if you try to do a free verse poem and you stick a lot of rhyme in it, you make it awkward and it winds up looking like a poorly constructed lyrical verse. If I were you, I'd pick one form or the other and stick with it.

My Preferance is lyrical rhyming, because it has the potential to be more beautiful. You already have it set up to rhyme, I'd just shorten the lines and hammer out the rhythm and you're set. You've already done most of the hard work.

All and all though, the piece has great potential. I wish you the best with it.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

Michelle_loves_Mike

Senior Member

since 2003-12-20

Posts 1189
Pennsylvania

4 posted 2004-04-23 10:47 AM

A little too mixed up,,,as I can understand your trying to capture the rhythem of ying/yang,,,however,,,,even in their contrast,,they flow,,,,,

Michelle
p.s.,,,trying new things is what this site is all about,,,,good luck

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

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