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My first haiku
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My first haiku |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes 
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The cool spring air Lovers walk hand in hand Spending time alone I need brutal asistance with this. It is my first attempt at this style since elementary school and my daughter (who is learning it) will want to do some writing of them this weekend Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs... |
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| © Copyright 2004 Bradly Stott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I'm afraid you missed a little. The syllable count per line must be 5-7-5. Yours is 4-6-5. Also, the subject matter must be nature related rather than people, emotions or such. |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
E for Effort my man, Ive never tried a haiku, I've seen ratleader do a slew of them, my yak here is purely moral support. hugs Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
First off, I have to say that is one of the most bizarre signatures I've ever seen. I laughed out loud. Secondly--a haiku can be about anything you want it to be about. Haikus don't have to be about nature. Here's a quote I thought might help you out. ------------------------- Modern Haiku. The history of the modern haiku dates from Masaoka Shiki's reform, begun in 1892, which established haiku as a new independent poetic form. Shiki's reform did not change two traditional elements of haiku: the division of 17 syllables into three groups of 5, 7, and 5 syllables and the inclusion of a seasonal theme. Kawahigashi Hekigoto carried Shiki's reform further with two proposals: 1. Haiku would be truer to reality if there were no center of interest in it. 2. The importance of the poet's first impression, just as it was, of subjects taken from daily life, and of local colour to create freshness. ------------------------- Also, if you've got a child you're trying to teach haiku to, the following web site should be of some help to you. http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/ Enjoy--and good job. Teaching a child poetry is a great thing. I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
the first thing that strikes me is that hand in hand alone would be a good line, making that contrast more prominent lovers walk in spring's cool air hand in hand alone would say everything you said so far and have 5 sylablles to play with in the second line. Tripping out farther lovers walk in spring breathe blossom scented cool air hand in hand alone using "the" in a haiku is, IMHO, waste of an opportunity. Don't know if this helped but was fun to respond to. |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Thanks for the input everyone. They were all very helpful. The websites were especially appreciated. The only thing I find somewhat irritating is that difference in opinions about how these things are written.. and that is NOT a relfection on anyone that responded. I hvae read that haiku (such as not a poet stated) MUST be 5/7/5, and that they are about nature. I ahv also read that that are (as spoken by forne_marin) NOT exclusively 5/7/5 and that they are permittesd to be about anything. How is my simple mind supposed to figure this out? lol gourdmad- thanks for the re-write... by using it A/B next to mine, I was able to get a better sonse of what else I could have done with it. I will be back with more feeble attempts. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs... |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Ringo, in simple terms... Haiku poets write about common, everyday experiences involving natural objects. Some people are mistaken in believing a haiku must have seventeen syllables arranged 5/7/5. The truth is that the traditional Japanese haiku poets count "sounds," not syllables. My advice is to hold it to three short lines. Keep the words simple and direct without similes or metaphors and ditch the filler like "the" in "The cool spring air"... Still, I have found myself sticking to the 5/7/5 count most of the time for the benefit of those whose understanding it as such being "haiku." Most do. I've even seen in haiku contest where they require a 5/7/5 count and so that leaves so many believing again that misconception. Anyway, I hope this wasn't too much of a repeat of what's already been said. Happy haiku writing. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
>How is my simple mind supposed to figure this out? Remember this when trying any form that's new to you. Each form has a history. Find out how that history revolved over time and all the variations there of. Look for its beginnings and go form there. This thread is a good example of different views of how far each person has examined this form. Regards again, Always Lisa |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Geesh, me again! I forgot to say that you should keep your first and last line a bit shorter than the middle line even if you don't stick to the 7/5/7 count. Always Lisa |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think this is a Free Verse Haiku  Well written. |
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