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Critical Analysis #2
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this cusp
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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this cusp |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
they dropped the first bombs on your birthday and you braced yourself for the fall-out that never came. a year of bleeding cemented it to you, turned you yellow, apathetic, dull. it's just like how the world ended when we were eighteen. wafers of ash fell down on our tongues. not ready for the taste, we tumbled like buildings on to our own rubble, touching no one else. i think of your toasts, your tan, your friends celebrating the end of the wait. that wait, when we ruled the tides that crashed violently, courageously on the shore. this time we were ready, and merely looked on, as the moon waned and deaths mirrored on the ocean, still as black tile. "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string" -Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
very interesting as to message...what was your inspiration? i have a clue but i'd rather know it from you... as to structure, i'm not sure how you cut your lines, it was spontaneous but almost prose-like, so you might consider cutting them differently...you had good use of the words,i found this part real good: deaths mirrored on the ocean, still as black (tile),(you might want to change the word tile, though)... write on!  |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like this, especially the first line: 'they dropped the first bombs on your birthday' It's not only a timeframe... but it's like they are literally bombing a place- your birthday... I really love the war imagery. My only suggestion is to tie some more of it in at the end. What illness is this about? (assuming it is an illness, which seems pretty evident to me...) |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Overall; an interesting read. I was compelled to read it numerous times and couldn’t help feeling it’s fine as is. But, that’s only one novice poet’s opinion. I found your second stanza particularly evocative. Black tile works for me. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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