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Copperbell
Senior Member

since 2003-11-08

Posts 956

0 posted 2003-12-08 12:44 PM

My dreams were lights;
that trouble extinguished.

But today
they are fireworks
bursting into my sky.

And although the sparks fade,
their moments of existence
are enough for me
to remember their Beauty.

So I will take my steps
under the memory
of their colorful and noisy
Light.

titch k
Member

since 2003-11-25

Posts 123

1 posted 2003-12-08 06:50 AM

well i myself like very much the format
you have written with simplicity, and elegance
love Titch

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

2 posted 2003-12-09 12:41 PM

Take this for whatever you think it’s worth. I’m just thinking it could scan a bit more smoothly if you’d pare it slightly. My suggestions:

Eliminate:
In S1-L1: the semi-colon,
S1-L2: “that”
In S2-l1: “But”,
In: S3-L1: “And”, L-4: “their”
In: S4-L3: “their”

Also, in S2-L3, “through” rather than “into” would help the meter.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Copperbell
Senior Member

since 2003-11-08

Posts 956

3 posted 2003-12-13 04:54 PM

Thanks Titch

cynicsRus - I agree there is some choppiness to it. Some of those words are exactly what I needed to say, but others don't need to be there. And I like "bursting through my skies" better. Thanks - I appreciate having feedback, its a great writing tool.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

4 posted 2003-12-13 10:28 PM

Bell,
I'm only sorry that the comments these days are so few and far between. I'm sure there are others here who could offer more in the way of help.
I thought this to be quite delightful as far as the imagery. And, for someone who claimed not to be familiar with poetic form, you seem to have shown a natural feel for meter--as I had implied previously.
Thanks for sharing.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

a123
Member

since 2004-03-27

Posts 72

5 posted 2004-03-28 04:48 AM

beautiful poem. very optimistic.
well done
hope to read more of your poems

Katy Rose
Junior Member

since 2003-11-25

Posts 13

6 posted 2004-04-01 04:09 PM

Not too much to say in the way of critique here, mainly because I think this is pretty and effective as it is. Maybe the third verse is a little too wordy?

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