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Critical Analysis #2
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echinacea tea
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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echinacea tea |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
A fool for technology, I sit illuminated at night and hold tight to the concept that I am not alone A friend pointed out scars on my arm today and asked what they were from I didn’t lie but I was exposed now I filter my personality through a blind barrier and hope for the best ---- written tonight and posted on a whim- don't be shy to rip it a new hole. |
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| © Copyright 2004 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
So here is a critique via a reworking, mainly from the perspective of continuity of shape A fool for technology, I sit illuminated at night holding tight to the concept I am not a l one A friend pointed out scars on my arm today and asked what they were from I didn’t lie but, exposed, I now filter my personality through a blind barrier hoping for the best (apologising in advance for the ee cummings quote) |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Oh crap, as I was posting the previous response I noted your request to not rewrite it. If you want, say so I and I will delete it. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I do like the movement of "I am not alone" to create more parallel structure. Also, it was a little unclear if the speaker regularly uses the computer (my interpretation, hope its right, if not, disregard), or if it becomes an alternative to human company, because chat room friends see no scars. This is because of your use of "at night", "today" and "now." I like the subtlety rarely found in self-harm/depression poetry, including my own. |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
I'm not going to hack up this one but I am going to say this... If this poem isn't enough to love and want to know the essence of 'the poet' then nothing is. Glad I dropped by Regards, Always Lisa |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Hush, Sorry, but imo this doesn’t merit ripping—at least not from someone such as myself whose “same night” drafts never seem to make it past the delete key. I’m usually inclined to agree with suggestions such as gourd’s when it might otherwise affect the metric pattern of a piece, but I just can’t see how this particular one suffers without such aesthetics. Maybe I’m just getting soft. Wishing you many more such whims. If you must carp, Carpe diem! |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
i like the way that you are playing with perception here. illumination, blindness, exposure. i guess what could make the poem better in my opinion would be to carry this metaphor throughout. make it more of the dominant image in the poem. i like brevity in a poem if it is really effective (still a less effective short poem is better than a boring, overstated epic). i think your words could be doing more for you here. "A friend pointed out scars on my arm today and asked what they were from I didn’t lie" this is the exposure that the narrator suffers if my reading of it is correct. maybe you could use more descriptive verbs, stronger than "pointed," "asked," "lie." some imagery here could also be effective. as i suggested before, carrying the perception metaphor into this part could help. "and hope for the best" don't care for the ending. i know this poem was written on the spur of the moment, but perhaps in a revision you could think about how you want to end the poem. this ending is a little trite. i also feel like it's tone deviates from the self-deprecating, suicidal tone used by the narrator thus far. it's almost as if you just felt you needed another line for balance (and i'm guilty of that crime a thousand times over). in general, i like the poem. if you do revise, i'd be interested in reading it. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Just dropping in to thank people for replying, I'll come back later to say more. |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
i agree with gourdmad's suggestion. it really makes a lot of difference. interesting write, i love the part about the scars.  |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Hush, Kind of an intriguing poem ... but what the connection with "echinacea tea"? |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
>Kind of an intriguing poem ... but what the connection with "echinacea tea"? It could be as simple as the author drinking it while writing. Echinacea tea helps with infections or is used in the hope of insuring better health. I can see that as a possible connection but for now, left to wonder. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: I played around with the line breaks a bit, but I wonder if the best way to end this is without the last part. It seems to follow anyway. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Lisa was right with the tea. (I always post untitled... figured I might title one once in a while... it's not supposed to be any great enigma.) gourmand, I'm not so keen on your reworking because I think you try to smooth things out, whereas I inteded the language to be kind of stark and sharp. As far as shape... I'm usually not that concerned with sheer aesthetics. Sid... nothing bad to say? I'm puzzled. But thanks for the flattery. ninja- you're definitely right about the ending.... it's too trite and added-on. As far as imagery and wording, I might try to rework that, too... Brad- not sure I'm wild about the longer lines- I like a choppier line break- but I think you're right about dropping the last part. Thanks everyone. |
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