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Critical Analysis #2
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Put Up
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Put Up |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
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Put Up Her world is full of nuts and change The screws, then bolts, they turned too strange She's nailed on floors and nailed to walls. She's juggled many sets of balls. She'd size the poles and wood would swell She'd pound and pump her way to sell. They come and paid the fifty cents To watch her build the circus tents What can I say, I'm rusty. Always Lisa, copyright 2004 |
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| © Copyright 2004 Always Lisa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
"What can I say, I'm rusty" Is this part of the poem? It seems inconguent, more like a comment about the poem. Did you mean "nutts" or is that a misspelling? |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
No, yes and a inadvertent "T" Lisa |
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Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665 |
This is a fine write..maybe short... but you put a lot into a little... Thank you.. Goldenrose. ''Each soul is potentialy divine..the goal is to manifest that divinity'' |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the rhymes seem a bit forced... but I really like the plays on words you have here, especially: 'The screws, then bolts' I dunno, I don't think it's too short, if anything, trim some of the extra words added to keep in touch with rhyme to tighten it up. HopeI've helped. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Enjoyed the playfulness of this. The past and present tents though get a bit confusing. Perhaps some of the below adjustments may be worthy of consideration. Her world was full of nuts and change And screws, and bolts, that turned too strange. She nailed on floors and nailed to walls. She juggled many sets of balls. She sized the poles and wood made swell She pounded and pumped ways to sell. They came and paid the fifty cents To watch her build the circus tents . |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Very worthy of consideration Essorant and I took almost every bit of it too. See what you think now... Put Up Her world was full of nuts and change The screws, then bolts, they turned too strange She nailed on floors and nailed to walls. She juggled many sets of balls. She sized the poles and wood made swell She pounded, pumped her way to sell. They came and paid the fifty cents To watch her build the circus tents Always Lisa, copyright 2004 I wanted L1 to hold its own yet run into L2 etc. In L6, your advice put a clinker in the meter but very good advice through out. Still, this poem may not be finished but your set of eyes was a very big help. Thanks. Regards, Always Lisa |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I actually prefer the present tense in this poem for the sense of immediacy. |
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Penomous Verson Junior Member
since 2004-04-09
Posts 20NY |
i thought it was great.. the rusty part didnt seem as well tied in as it could be, but perhpas with assurity i can say that maybe i took this diferently than the your average rarity best PenVerse |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Oh no, keep the "What can I say, I'm rusty." It ties in so well with the iimage of you putting up a circus tent, of the bolts of your life. The only incongruous bit, for me, is the nut, as it doesn't tie in with the rest of your theme imagery... I think the last line gives it a nice quirky round-about end (as in knocking the end of the poem as you'd imagine it into a new meaning). Please keep it. I'm begging you  The fact that everyone has commented on it points out that it sticks out, makes them think, and provoking thought is, after all an essential part of poetry. |
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