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Critical Analysis #2
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Liquidity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Liquidity |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Liquidity empty pages filled with empty lines full of empty words MTV eyes filled with empty image full of empty joy preempted minds filled with empty slogans full of other’s thoughts educated egos filled with correct answers full of defined words childlike wonder filled with tabla rasa den i zens emptiness |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Your message is true. Your delivery is quite blatant and literal, though that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, it does make the reading of your many stanzas somewhat repetitive and boring, though I'm sure people will disagree with me, as usual.  I like your title. |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
First off, I'm not a pro-poet. But I'd like to share my opinion. Yes, I readily see Angel's point-- as well I'm certain you did when you wrote it. But, oh how I like it very much! I really don't think you'd have been successful with a partial/total rewrite without losing quality. I think in order to get the desired contrast, and the extended metaphor you did the very best thing. The rhythm is very nice... I only tripped a bit over one word (preempted). The diction is clear and most suitable. The ending is very clever! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
just opinion.. but I lost interest in the repetitive use of words. Not easy to pull off repeating the same words in a short poem and hold the readers interest. The concept is not bad, but I think the presentation could use a rewrite. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
at the risk of seeming repetitive myself...far too many filled and fulls...throw in a few cliches and a poem marshalled by the repetition and it needs lots of work. Concepts usually don't carry themselves..  K |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Based on your skill level, I'm going to assume that you are capable of taking some blunt critique and not freaking out: very sophomoric. MTV eyes? That's right, fight the power, man! The only part I didn't find cliche was the last stanza, which I didn't get. (My fault, not yours, I'm sure.) Hope I've helped. BTW- Grover- I'm impressed. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Tx all for comments. I was going for a repetitious thing, which I apparently succeeded at to a degree. The idea is the repeated cycle of material life, each stanza a theme object of senses senses mind ego (with the final stanza meant to be the breaking of the cycle) liberation using the word "denizens" in the verb form, as in "populates" I am wondering, tho I know you never get a second chance to read a poem for the first time, if the last stanza would be better understood if it were like this (my first runnerup to the final choice) childlike wonder filled with tabla rasa denIzens emptIness |
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a123 Member
since 2004-03-27
Posts 72 |
I LOVE THE THIRD STANZA WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT PEOPLES MINDS FILLED WITH OTHERS THOUGHTS DOES MEAN A LOT I THINK YOUR POEM MAKES A LOT OF SENSE EXCEPT THE LAST STANZA DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
i found the poem very meaningful as a whole...the repetitive use of some words throughout the poem lends some rhythm to it, but it sounds a bit overdone (i often get to be guilty of that too)..you can also try other styles to give it a rhythmic quality...great message, though |
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