Torch This Winter's Lie ( revised from open)

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Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

0 posted 2004-03-12 04:27 PM

I, in stare
Knew depths of sky to feel
Flat as rolled stock blue
Allowed to simply fool eyes
Into thinking there was more beyond
The cold touch of winter’s bowl
Than mere truth of physics

In past despair,
I have lit a torch
Holding it to edges of clouds
Wishing flames to catch
And warm in me something
Other than the burn
Of empty.

Today, I search
For the wrinkled folds
Where night and day break crumbled sky
To begin again the fumbled find
Of match

For I would burn this
The hateful winter’s sky
And know there was more
To this the vacant heart
Than just a passing
sigh

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

1 posted 2004-03-12 07:10 PM

Wow, I really liked this!

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

2 posted 2004-03-13 11:18 PM

sigh...I think it's amazing!

~~**~~
Walking with bare feet
among a tapestry of words,
each woven thread, awakening the soul
~~**~~

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

3 posted 2004-03-14 12:23 PM

Notwithstanding some rather promising lines scattered throughout the piece, there are also some glaring distractions. At first I thought the awkwardness of S1 L1 was merely a means of forcing a rhyme with S2L1, but then I came to see, this is the only rhyme throughout the entire piece. This awkwardness however, is repeated in S2L7 as well as S3L5. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating, that substituting adjectives for nouns, verbs for nouns, or any variation, in whatever converse form, comes across simply as amateurish.

While I realize, forgoing punctuation seems to be the latest thing, it becomes quite tedious at times for a reader to go back and reread lines before having finished the entire piece, all because it was left to him to determine, in his own mind how the author meant to express a certain pause, emphasis or change in thought. How much time does it actually take to offer the reader that extra touch?

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primetimerhyme.com

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2004-03-14 09:48 AM

It may seem like I am just following Sid around and maybe I am. Again I have to agree with what he said. The use of improper parts of speech is really distracting. IMO, it can turn a work from otherwise good to bad.

As for the punctuation, you trip the reader up by starting right off with a comma. And you have a couple of others too. This leads one to expect punctuation and read accordingly. Since there is much missing, it becomes confusing. Personally, I am not in favor of the trend to avoid punctuation as it is an important part of written language and just seems lazy to omit it in most cases. In any case though, I think you should really skip it altogether if at all.

This, of course, is just my opinion, biased as it is.

Pete

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

5 posted 2004-03-15 07:54 AM

thanks for the look and the comments...
back to the editing now... your thoughts are appreciated.

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

6 posted 2004-03-17 05:45 AM

The last two stanzas look as if they've been tacked on by your apprentice. The first two have real breathless rhythm and interesting use of language and they also seem to be saying something, but the last two? You're left thinking, 'eh'?

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